Want Me
by Zuzu's Petals
Summary: This story takes place at the end of season three. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: I posted this incomplete story here a long time ago. I'm revising it and also finally working on the last chapter.**

 **Hope you enjoy it again or for the first time!**

 **Let me know what you think. Questions, comments, and criticism are welcome by this aspiring writer.**

 ***In this tale Tara was not pregnant when Jax went to Ireland and Gemma isn't on house arrest.**

CHAPTER ONE

During the flight home Jax looked down at his sleeping son, holding him close. Gemma had tried to take Abel out of his arms so that he could rest but Jax was having none of it. He only gave in when it was unavoidable – when he couldn't force his eyes to stay open any longer and he was in danger of dropping his baby. As he watched his son like a hawk, he reluctantly thought about the woman he left behind – and how he left her. After the madness of Ireland that ended with the miracle of Abel being found, and before Samcro left Liverpool, Kozik called Jax with news that shook his composure. Since that call, he tried to keep his attention trained solely on Abel as best as he could to prevent guilt from eating him alive but it didn't work.

Once stateside and on land the others rode their bikes while Jax, Abel and Gemma rode in a van with Bobby driving during the last leg of the trip. Jax was more than anxious to get back to Charming after learning that Salazar and his girl had kidnapped Tara and that - _j*s*s chr*st!-_ she had _killed_ them both and escaped with Margaret Murphy. Pride mixed with anger and grief that she'd had to go through that because of him and without him. He had to get to her and see for himself that she was alright. This was the very kind of catastrophe he'd been trying to avoid, the reason he had emotionally strong-armed her out of his life. As it turned out pushing her away from him hadn't been enough. He wanted Tara safe and yet he'd done a piss poor job of protecting her. He had completely failed her.

While they were trying to figure out what their new relationship was going to be, he had claimed her openly enough for his enemies to know who she was. Now she would always be at risk even if she and Jax weren't together. She should have left Charming but he couldn't force her to – especially if walking in on him and Ima while the room still smelled of sex didn't chase her away. She was furious, he could tell, but she hadn't gone anywhere except out of his house. He handled his fears all wrong and hurt Tara in more ways than one. The shame he managed to dodge since leaving for Ireland finally caught up with him. And now Jax didn't want her to leave! He was an idiot unable to make up his damn mind. One thing he did know for sure – he had to make things right with Tara and commit to her, because if she left him now, he didn't know what he would do. But if she stayed, would he just fuck it all up again?

Exhausted from endless travel, violence and intrigue, and knowing it wasn't over yet, the returning Sons were greeted by the rest of the club, family, friends and croweaters. That's when Jax found out the one little detail Kozik left out of his story, which was the very end of it, the last line.

Tara was gone.

She had been away from Charming for a month but as soon as she arrived in Chicago she knew it was a big mistake. After killing two people in self defense and being released rather quickly from custody, she thought she needed the precarious security of a so-called normal life. It had been easy to get. Too easy. Her plane had probably taken off just as Jax was walking through the club house door. After crashing at such short notice with a big-hearted friend from her recent past, another pediatric surgeon at Chicago Presbyterian, Tara had her old job back and a nice apartment in the Loop within three weeks – courtesy of her old boss who was practically giddy that she was back and who pulled some strings on her behalf. It was like a bedtime story coming true for an unemployed doctor running from life.

Unfortunately she had wasted her benefactors' great generosity because at most she only needed a five day retreat or at least one session with a therapist. Tara had gone without either and had lost no sleep over ending two lives; nor did she question how easily she was taking the event in stride. The only thing she was losing sleep over was her half-empty bed and aching heart. What she told Jax before he went to Ireland was as true now as it was when they were nineteen and she didn't say it. _She wasn't supposed to leave –_ not permanently _._ And nothing could be done about it except to go back. She hauled tail out of Charming before Jax could return with Abel because she was a coward. Tara had wanted to hold Abel in her arms again so badly but could not bear to see his father's empty eyes when he looked at her. His usually bright blue gaze was dull and cold when he told her he wasn't her family. G*d! How could he have said it? How could he have done what he did? She had loved this man forever and loved his son by another woman like he was her own. She had given Jax her body again and again, and then he turned on her and spoke to her like an enemy and an imbecile. And then he gave his body to Ima. Tara may have appeared outwardly numb but to say he had broken her heart did not begin to describe the pain of his unforeseen rejection and betrayal.

She had considered over and over again that this was an opportunity to make a clean and final break from Jax Teller and the anarchistic, dangerous and sometimes depraved MC world he inhabited so passionately. If Tara was completely honest with herself however, the life of Samcro often fascinated her and she even felt proud of Jax's position in the club. But there was nothing she would miss about MC life if he truly didn't want her anymore.

Recently she managed to see past the hurt far enough to decide that Jax was expertly bullshitting her. He had to be! After analyzing his behavior as objectively as she could, Tara came to the conclusion that he had been in such emotional turmoil over Abel that he acted irrationally towards her. The feelings that burned between them for thirteen years, surviving a ten year separation (and "hundreds" of lovers according to Mr. Dick Almighty, damn him!), hadn't simply died just because he was a good actor and at the moment a grade-A asshole. Despite his behavior she just couldn't shake the feeling embedded like an itch under her skin that it wasn't over between them and never would be.

Or maybe she was just a besotted fool to even consider going back into that maelstrom of drama and heartache in Charming.

She had called Lyla once about two weeks after Jax and the others had returned with Abel and found out that over half of Samcro, including Jax, was in prison and Abel was with Gemma. Tara was so worried that she wanted to contact him immediately but uncertainty and the callous way he ended things made her hesitate indefinitely until now. She thought it best to move cautiously and find out what kinds of obstacles lay between her and her goal.

Tara paced nervously in her small but comfortable living room as she waited for someone to pick up the other line.

~ _"What?"_

"Hi, Gemma." There was a lengthy pause. "It's Tara."

~ "I _know_ who it is. What do you want?"

Tara couldn't say anything for a moment and when she finally could she cringed at how weak she sounded while saying the wrong thing.

"How is Jax?"

 _Click!_

Tara took the phone away from her ear and looked at it. She redialed, the frown lines between her eyebrows pronounced.

As soon as the ringing stopped she said firmly, "Please don't hang up on me again, Gemma."

~ "Bitch, are you crazy? You wanted out so now you're out. What the fuck do you care how my son is? Here you are two months later asking about him like some stray _mutt_ you fed for a few weeks."

"Gemma! Look…I shouldn't have left the way I did and I'm sorry for that. I want to come back. Now I'm asking you, please, how is he?"

~ "Picture this. You could stab and shoot your way out of a hostage situation (which was impressive, by the way) but you couldn't stand by your man after you let someone take his infant son right out of your arms."

Tara's eyes quickly welled with tears. "G*ddammit, Gemma! That's not how it happened!"

~ "It couldn't have happened any other way! So there's nothing for you here. Jax is done with you. When you left this time he _wanted_ you out of his life _,_ so now you're really out _._ Do you understand? You've got nothing to come back to. You made sure of that, sweetheart."

 _Click!_

A month later…

The six of them sat down at the Samcro table of the mess hall in no particular order. The other prisoners knew who they were in the way that everyone eventually knew about the different crews in prison. They must also know the prez and the veep were both in the group. Samcro definitely had to watch its back 24/7 even though there'd been no obvious threats from the usual suspects. Perhaps that wasn't a good sign. The best time to shank someone of course was when their guard was down. As usual they ate in silence. Discussion was reserved for outside in the yard, and it was during yard time of that same day when Clay said without looking at him, "You're meaner than Tig lately. What's eating you besides the bed bugs?"

"Nothing," was Jax's reflex answer to this irksome periodic query when what he really wanted to say was ' _It's because of your for-shit decision- making skills that we're in here at all. What the fuck else do you_ think _is eating me?_ I'm _the one who saved us from a 15 year bid, Arthritis_.'

Anyway, Jax knew he'd been acting morose in a way that couldn't simply be explained by incarceration. It had been inevitable that some of them would do some time even with the plan they had in place. The goal had been reached to tie up loose ends like Stahl and Jimmy O. and protect the club. Jax had done time before and while much less than 14 months, he knew what to expect and figured he could handle it. Handling the cliché of a broken heart was much more of a challenge since he had more time to do nothing but think about her, a feeling also compounded by missing his son.

Tara Knowles had left him again _–_ except this time he'd done everything he could to make her go. His intentions seemed good and made sense at the time but now – not so much. His intention to beg her to forgive him and to stay with him and Abel was never going to happen. She took out that bastard Salazar and his heifer all by herself. She realized it was all Jax's fault she was in the situation in the first place and then decided she was done with his ass and anything and anyone connected to him. So Tara had cleared the hell out of Charming before even saying goodbye to Abel. He was pissed at himself and pissed at her too. According to Lyla she waited just long enough to find out they'd gotten Abel back and then she just fucking left – again.

 _G*d damn her._

Part of the next morning was spent at his maintenance job as a plumber's assistant. Jax couldn't get near car or bike parts so this was the next best thing. Clay had objected – said it was safer to stick together when not in their separate cells. That didn't stop Bobby from getting a job in the bakery during their second week inside. Jax was nothing if not careful and he would go nuts if he didn't do something with his hands besides work out. During lunch later that day his name was called with several others for mail delivery and they were allowed one by one to approach the mailman at a window on the side of the room. Jax figured it was a letter from Opie who was the only one who wrote to him as well as visited since email usage was restricted in this 19th century shithole. Only Gemma came more often than he did and occasionally Piney would make the trip, usually accompanied by Filthy Phil or Dylan, if not by Opie. Most of the people to whom he was close enough to get a letter from were in jail with him anyway. However the small thin white envelope showcasing neat penmanship was definitely not from his best friend. His jaw tightened and he stopped in his tracks when he read the return address.

"Move along, Teller," sneered one of the least liked CO's in the joint, John Cane Gamble – a big Texan bubba and a true hoosier shit if there ever was one - always trying to press the inmates' emotional buttons for his own twisted amusement. As usual Jax only paid enough attention to him to avoid trouble and moved on as instructed. He was never giving a guard an excuse to slap him with a ticket or worse.

Everyone at his table glanced up as he sat down.

"What you got there?" Juice asked leaning over to peek. Jax gave him a look which made the younger man smile apologetically and move back. The rest pointedly ignored him as he ripped the side of the envelope and pulled out its contents. They didn't see his stony expression as he read the letter.

 _Jackson,_

 _I hardly know what to write except that I should not have left Charming without saying goodbye to Abel. When I contacted Lyla a while back she said he was healthy and happy. I miss him._

 _And how are you?_

 _I am writing to ask if I could visit you at the prison because I need to speak with you in person about something important._

 _Please let me come._

 _~~Tara K._

Two whole months she'd been gone and he'd been locked up without a g*ddamn word from her – like she disa-fucking-ppeared from existence. And now out of the blue - _this._ His appetite gone, Jax balled up the letter in his fist.

Tara had been waiting on pins and needles for two weeks after she sent the brief and purposefully vague letter to Jax. She paid a mint for express delivery to the prison and certified receipt. Of course if he didn't answer it, that in itself was an answer, but she wouldn't let it go at that. She needed to look into his eyes and see that his love for her was gone once and for all and hear him say the words 'I don't love you.' If he did, her heart would probably stop but at least she would be sure that her place was not by his side. The course of her life depended on knowing the truth about this more than anything else. Another week went by and she receive inch coarse padded brown envelope with no return address. Excited and nervous, she opened it hastily…

 _Whatever_

 _-JT_

"Argh!"

Tara angrily tossed the unlined, off-white paper onto her kitchen table and watched it slide off the opposite edge to the floor. She glared at it and snatched it up again. She lay down on her couch, holding the slightly misshapen page in front of her face. She hadn't exactly expected an enthusiastic response but certainly something more than one terse dismissive word written on uneven scrap paper. On the other hand, he hadn't written _'eat shit and die'_ or ignored her completely either. It was a fairly good sign, wasn't it? Tara sat up with a grim smile. She obviously wasn't handing in her notice at Chicago Presbyterian just yet. She had to see Jax Teller and she would – soon.

"I'm coming to get you, Jax. You can't run but you'll try to hide, won't you?" Tara whispered, tracing his bold cursive writing with her finger.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about _Sons of Anarchy_. Wish I did! **

**Note: Obviously, I've made up a few "facts" and have otherwise taken liberties. Hope you enjoy the results. :-)**

CHAPTER TWO

It was very hot, even for Charming, the Tuesday Tara came for a three night stay, a month after receiving Jax's "letter." Strands of dark hair escaped her ponytail and stuck wetly to her cheeks as she lugged her small stuffed suitcase and a bag of groceries into her father's house. A musty smell greeted her and although tired and hungry she immediately set about making the place a little more livable.

Tara appreciated arriving in town without any fanfare or warning – except the one Jax had received when he initialed his approval of the date and time request she had sent to the prison's visitors services department, a copy of which was mailed back to her. The penal administration there did not believe in faxing or using any other method of communication that was faster than the standard U.S. Postal Service. Tara found the process for becoming an approved and registered prison visitor in California to be aggravatingly tedious and slow. But it was well worth it because before she left this town again she'd know whether or not it was forever.

The next day she took one of Charming's few bus routes to Lodi where she caught a prison visitors bus for the long ride to Stockton Penitentiary West – not to be confused with the more accessible and more familiar Stockton State Prison. "Spee West," as it was known among Charming locals, was much farther away and, in spite of its name, was not in or near the city of Stockton. The other reason most hoped their friends and family were never sent there was because of the bizarre practice of not allowing short-timers – with sentences of three years or less – to have contact visits during their first six months, after which time permission for such visits would be based on the inmates' overall conduct records during that period. The only exception was if inmates had children under age ten. They were allowed one contact visit with them per month _after_ two months of incarceration. Tara felt miserable for Jax who would certainly suffer if he couldn't hold his son more often than that. He was a tactile man. Touching to connect with someone was natural to him as she well knew.

There were many mothers with children on the bus and most of them wore tired sullen expressions. Even the bus driver looked dour. The vehicle itself was painted a dreary faded teal inside and out and rattled loudly in protest over the slightest bump or dip in the road. Half an hour into the ninety minute ride, Tara was missing her trusty Cutlass. It didn't help that she began to have second thoughts about coming at all. It was entirely possible that Jax was as over her as Gemma claimed and wouldn't show up for her visit to make that point. She had learned that he could be ruthless when it suited him. A prisoner could change his mind at the last second while his visitor was sitting right in the reception area.

Tara tried to distract herself from her dismal thoughts by staring at the ridiculous poses of the too-thin models in her Vogue magazine which didn't have a single interesting article. It was either that or the even more boring medical journal she also hastily shoved in her bag that morning. She thrust the magazine away and contented herself with staring sightlessly out the window.

As soon as the bus passed through Spee West's main gate Tara began to feel even more uneasy. The penitentiary was newly renovated but that did nothing to alleviate the claustrophobic effect of its spatial design. The process for clearing visitors was generally unpleasant and what made it worse was the neurotic feeling that she could be taken away and locked up for whatever reason they wanted. After all, there were plenty of cells here. The memory of how she felt when Salazar kidnapped and terrorized her came vividly to mind and she had the desire to run until she reached the outside. G*d! This was not the time to start freaking out over nothing. _Get it together, Tara, or you won't be able to face him._ She took deep breaths as her group was led into another building farther into the complex. She had to be calm and rational. Right now no one else could hurt her except the man she came to see and from experience she knew she could handle that and come out on top. Eventually.

Tara was directed to sit in front of a glass window with a handset on the side – a device that looked like it came straight out of the 1950's. There were other visitors seated along this window, some already talking to inmates with the minimum privacy the partitions provided. Others were waiting like her. It was 1:58pm. He would come out any moment now or not. The next two minutes were an excruciating eternity until finally the doorway closest to where she was sitting opened and there stood Jackson Eric Teller – clean-shaven and looking very different from when she last saw him. He had never worn his hair that short even while a student in Charming P.S. 5 Elementary.

Time stood as still as he did while they stared at each other. It seemed like they would spend the entire allotted hour that way until he finally moved towards the seat and Tara breathed again. When he sat down in front of her behind the glass, it was with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm or any feeling at all. While the close shave made him look younger, his handsome face had a hardness in it she wasn't used to but otherwise it was a mask of indifference. Tara knew hers was the complete opposite – that it was asking him to open up just a little and show her that he was still him.

Jax's mouth, which could spread into such a boyishly sweet smile, now twisted with faint disdain or mockery; she wasn't sure which but it hurt her just the same. He looked pointedly at the handset on his side as if to say, _Do you have something to say or not?_ She reluctantly picked up and so did he.

"Hi."

"Hey."

His coolness towards her was going to make this more difficult but had she really expected otherwise?

"I - I'm sorry I wasn't there to welcome Abel home."

"So you said in your note."

He wasn't going to give her a break and his unwavering stare was getting to her. She forged ahead anyway. "I feel like there are unresolved issues between us."

"Did you feel that way three months ago or is this something new?"

Tara rubbed her forehead wearily, hope fading with each word they exchanged. "I've felt this way for a long time, Jax, but you made it clear in more ways than one that you wanted me gone. You didn't call me _once_ from Ireland. You didn't even call me to say that you had Abel. I had to hear it from Lyla. So I left."

"You left after you killed Salazar and his girl– after they kidnapped you." He was clearly angry but she was relieved to make him feel _something_.

"You don't have to worry about that. That's not why I'm here."

"Oh, I don't have to worry about that? You're telling me you're just fine if I don't give a shit. Is that right?"

"Jax – "

He suddenly leaned forward, startling her. "If I don't have to care, Tara _,_ then why are you here? _"_

She blinked. "Why do you think I'm here? "

Incredulous, he looked away from her briefly. "Are you kidding me? You up and left without saying shit, hello, goodbye, _nothing._ But three months later suddenly you got questions about what I think."

Tara was beginning to lose her temper as well. "You know, I'm sitting here listening to you and I'm wondering – why are _you_ angry? We were together and then out of the blue you basically tell me that I don't mean anything to you and that I have no place in your life. Then you slept with that _slut_ and g*d knows who else! Yet here I am. And now you're acting like I left for no reason whatsoever, when the truth is, I didn't leave you, Jax. _You_ left me ever since Abel was taken – because you blame me. You were right in front of me but I couldn't reach you. And then you weren't there at all. What was I supposed to do?"

"I didn't blame you. I _do not_ blame you. Get that straight," was the only thing Jax could think of to say and then he could only glare at her in silence because he knew she was right about everything else. He had shut himself off from her by his words and his actions. Seriously, why the hell _was_ he angry with her? Was it because when he suddenly changed his mind about ending their relationship, he resented what he saw as her second desertion? Yeah, that's why and he damn well knew it was a fucked up way to think. This moment was his opportunity to apologize for the bullshit he put her through but he was too frustrated and amped up to speak humble words.

He was on the defensive because the old ten year wound was still festering, despite everything that had happened since. He had loved Tara so much back then that it shaped and defined him and even affected his MC lifestyle for ten years after she left. She had control over him all that time even when she wasn't there. He could never forget her and could not stop missing her. And it hurt to know that whether or not he wanted her to leave, she _would_ leave him. That was the crux of it – his certainty and his fear that eventually he would always lose her. Now that he was trying to cope with her absence from his life yet again, she reappears. Did she know – did she have any idea - what she was doing to him, showing up here and sitting behind this damned glass where he couldn't touch her?

Tara only stared at him coldly, waiting.

"Okay, you got me." He smiled in mock congratulations. "You want me to admit I'm an ass? Okay. I'm an ass. But you can rest easy because I'm paying for it. I'm locked the fuck up in here for another 335 days, give or take a few. But enough about me, darlin'. You didn't answer my question. _Why are you here?"_

"Oh my god. If you could drop your smart-ass self-righteous indignation for just one minute I might tell you. Suddenly I don't even know if I should bother. I'm trying to - "

"You're the one who came halfway across the country for this."

" _Would you shut the hell up and listen to me?!_ You know why I'm here, Jax! I love you, you damn idiot, and I want to be with you! But only God knows why because you _are_ an ass!" A couple of visitors and a guard glanced at her. Tara sighed heavily, trying to regain her composure and salvage some dignity. "Just listen to me please. I shouldn't have left. Like I told you before, I wasn't supposed to leave. I'm not supposed to leave…you, okay? So I want to try again. I came back to ask you – if you still love me and want to be with me too." She ended the last word in a whisper, her voice catching and her dark eyes hiding nothing of what she felt. "If your next words are going to be flippant or cruel, _save them,_ because I'm sure I didn't come halfway across the country for that. Give me a simple yes or no."

Jax kept his expression neutral but it wasn't easy with the surge of joy swelling inside him. Perversely, he wanted to say 'no' because each time Tara left him there was no way to escape the pain in his soul long enough to make sense of _shit._ He didn't think straight without her, so he lived on auto-pilot and didn't have to think at all. Like a marionette, he performed his VP duties, worked in the garage, partied, drank, fought, and let females compete to exhaust his body day and night. This time around he would add brooding over his father's often cryptic writings – which he could probably clearly understand only while drunk anyway. Jax remembered himself at age 20 and 25 and last year. He would often ride his bike alone on long endless stretches of road, wishing the wind in his face would blow everything away, as he sometimes imagined riding his bike off a cliff somewhere. Through it all he had brutal clarity about one fact: nothing fucking mattered anymore. He felt it starting this time too and being locked up only made it worse. He was too conflicted about the club for it to save him this time. Only his son would keep him from going all the way under.

Now Tara had spoken her words of resurrection and he was becoming whole again. He didn't want to give in and yet he couldn't keep up the pretense that she didn't 'have him at hello.' j*s*s cr*st.

"Tara Grace _Knowles._ What did you do to me back when I was 16, huh?" Jax leaned close to the glass again, searching her face for some kind of guarantee. Finally, he shook his head in weary resignation, whispering, "You fuck me up every time, babe."

Tara put a hand to her mouth, her eyes welling with tears. "Whatever that means, you make me pay for it, don't you?"

"No, never, it's not like that. I might be a bastard but I would not hurt you on purpose, as some kind of punishment."

"Then you don't remember things the way I do. The point is I don't want us to hurt each other anymore. I want to love you and Abel and I want both of you to love me back. I want to be a family with you and I want you to respect and cherish that. Jax, I want you to respect _me_." She sniffed, pulling herself together a little more. "So it took me leaving you and moving completely out of Charming _again_ to realize the truth – that I am supposed to be with you _if_ you do all the above." Tara pressed her open palm with splayed fingers against the glass separating them. Her voice deepened in unconscious seduction of his vulnerable heart. "Do you understand me? I need you and I want you – so much, Jackson. Give me your love and your loyalty and I'll give you the same and more as long as I live. I'll take excellent care of your body and your heart. I'll fill you up." She smiled like Mona Lisa then. "But you already know that, don't you?"

Jax's eyes widened. Hell yeah, he knew it and wanted it like his next breath. He put his own hand on the glass, placing each of his fingers exactly where hers were and just stared with childlike wonder into her solemn face. She never looked more beautiful to him than now but he was stubbornly holding a piece of himself back to prevent complete capitulation. She could break him. Over and over again she could do it. And when she did, somehow he ended up hurting her back which was worse. Could he trust himself not to repeat his mistakes?

"Teller! Ten minutes!" shouted John Cane Gamble over the speaker system louder than necessary.

 _(What? It couldn't have been a freaking hour already. Shit!)_

It was no use fighting against the heavy pulse of surrender that went from his head to his groin. This was it. She owned him and he had to have her. This is the way it had always been. Now he had to mend the precious thing he had so stupidly broken.

"I'm doing eleven more months, Tara. Do you understand?"

"I know."

"Do you? That's a long time, darlin'."

"So was ten years."

"Look, I can't take it if this all goes south again. Are you sure this time? Because if you're not, then just _don't."_ Jax's face hardened. "Don't, Tara."

She arched an eyebrow. "As long as _you're_ sure this time. Remember recent events – darlin'?"

"Yeah I do remember and I'm sorry and I know saying that isn't enough. It's nowhere near enough but if you let me, I can fix that." He locked eyes with her. "I love you, Tara. I always have. I want to be with you for as long as you'll have me." He took a deep breath. " But I don't know what's gonna be left of me a year from now. You may not like it."

"You haven't been likeable for a long time now anyway."

He rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he looked at her. "We have to build this thing from the ground up again, y'know."

"I know. We also need to renegotiate the ground rules."

A shadow of his sexy grin was tentative but it was there all the same. "Whatever you want."

"Good. Rule number one is _still:_ you don't sleep with other women."

"I don't want other women."

"Apparently that hasn't stopped you from having sex with them."

Jax's gaze roved over her face with genuine regret. "I am so sorry for hurting you that way." He locked her in again with those hot blue diamonds of his. "I will never cheat on you again, Tara, as long as I live. And whatever else you want from me, I will give you."

"I want everything, Jax."

"Okay." He studied her features possessively. "When are you coming back to continue the renegotiations?"

"When do you want me back?"

"Now."

Jax felt entranced by one of the rare wide smiles she blessed him with when she said, "Well, I have to start tying loose ends."

"Will you write to me?"

"I don't think so."

He face turned stony. "Why not?"

"Because all I get back from you is one word, Mr. "Whatever."

Jax smiled sheepishly. "It won't be like that. I promise." He started to trace circles around her fingers still pressed to the glass. "So will you write to me?"

"Yes."

Jax reacted as if she said 'yes' to his marriage proposal and then he gave it to her – that uninhibited smile of joy of his that she adored. They kept their hands together on the glass until a guard stood behind him and said, "That's it, Teller."

Jax stood and mouthed the words _'You're mine,'_ his intense stare full of sensual threat, and then he was escorted away. Tara was instantly turned on and the ensuing discomfort of her body continued unchecked until the prison bus was well on its way back to Lodi. When she could no longer stand the erotic thoughts, she pulled the medical journal out of her bag, hoping it would dull her senses.

Tara was grateful that she managed to dodge Gemma's interference so far. It wasn't really easy to stay incognito even in a city of 14,000 people. Somehow word would get back to Gemma that Tara was there because little went on in the town that Samcro didn't know something about – especially if it directly involved a member. Knowing the Queen Bee, Tara would need her game face and body armor firmly in place. In some ways facing Jax had been less intimidating than the thought of dealing with Gemma.

As it was, the morning after she saw him at the prison, Gemma's car came careening into her driveway, knocking over a trashcan. Tara came out on her patio, hands resting casually in the pockets of her lounging pants. Gemma swung a leg out angrily and hadn't even slammed her door yet before letting her have it with both guns blazing.

"You must be out of your g*ddamn mind! You are leaving! Do you hear me?" She stood right in Tara's face. "You are one crazy ass bitch if you think I'm gonna allow you the pleasure of breaking Jax down over and over again just because you can't make up your damn mind! You're not a real woman. You don't know how to love a real man. You fuck psychos in suits! That's your thing. Then when they're ready to kill your ass, you lead them here for Jax to take care of. Enough is enough. Get the fuck out of Charming, bitch!"

Tara reined in her own temper with some effort but she was able to do it because her goal was in sight and nothing was going to jeopardize it. On the other hand she was running out of cheeks to turn so she shortened the space between their faces even more.

"You keep calling me a bitch and I'll show you a real one. You won't like it, I promise you." She took a calming step back. "I'm not leaving him again, Gemma, but he didn't make this choice easy. I don't know if Jax told you but he's the one who pushed me away after Abel was taken. I wanted to stay but there are only so many kicks in the face I'll take – even for love."

Gemma cooled down about two degrees. "Oh really? Well, under the circumstances, my sensitive little princess, some patience and understanding would not have been too much to ask. Do you even know what love is? It's not running away every time your feelings get hurt because a certain someone is going through some emotional shit that _for once_ isn't about _you._ Let me guess. You got your panties in a bunch just cuz he f*cked around? No old lady gets the warm and fuzzies about that, okay? But as long as it's not a daily habit and it doesn't follow him home, you keep your head on straight. It's the life, sweetheart, and it is not news to you. As far as that's concerned you could do much worse than Jax. Oh that's right! You _have_ done worse, haven't you? That fact is, the man killed for you but you kick him and his son to the curb over some meaningless pussy. That puts the ass in dumbass, honey."

Tara grit her teeth but just shook her head. Gemma was amazingly single-minded when she was in family-protection mode. The woman could not be reasoned with right now.

"Why don't you talk to Jax and see how he feels about all this?"

Gemma stepped back, and stomped her foot lightly, eyes narrowing on Tara suspiciously until angry certainty prevailed. "You – _snake._ You've been to see him already, haven't you? Trying to wrap him up tight in your grip again. Oh no!" Gemma threw her hand up as she stalked back to her car. "It ain't gonna fly this time, baby girl." She slammed her car door and leaned out the window. "Let me tell you how _I_ feel about 'all this.' Leave my son alone or I'll fuck you up like you wouldn't believe."

Tara came down the steps as she started the car. "How is Abel?"

Gemma stabbed a finger towards her face. _"Don't even think about it!_ It ain't gonna happen while there's breath in my body."

"I want to see him, Gemma."

Gemma swung her car out into the street but before she pulled off she studied Tara for a moment. "Get the fuck out of Charming, Tara. Go back to where you belong – wherever devotion to family don't mean shit." Putting on her sunglasses she burned rubber down the block and then around the corner out of sight.

Tara picked up a newspaper tossed onto her meager square of grass and stared in the direction Gemma disappeared. "Well, that went better than expected," she muttered to herself before re-entering the house.

Jax had been looking forward to a visit from his mother – until he actually saw her face the next time she came which was two days after Tara's visit. He hadn't even sat down yet when she snatched up the handset and started talking.

" – be a glutton for punishment!"

"Hello to you too, Mom."

"Tara's back in town! She's been here to see you, hasn't she?" Gemma eyed him critically. "That's why you've got that silly stupid shine in your eyes."

When he shifted uncomfortably, Gemma snorted in disgust. "And you didn't cuss her out and send her fleeing to the hills like you should have, did you? G*ddammit, Jax! That bitch is gonna kill you yet. When are you gonna learn?"

"Don't call her that."

"I can't believe you're willingly falling back into that trap."

"Leave her alone, you hear me? This is between me and her."

Gemma had crossed her legs and was bouncing her free foot, frustration pinching her features. "Is she that good in bed? If so, it's possible her services have been in high demand back in Chicago. Hale, that nutso secret agent, _you,_ and I think the g*ddamn director of pediatrics at St. Thomas _–_ I mean, what is it? Is her pussy lined with crack?"

"Stop!" Jax frowned. "The director of pediatrics? When did – ? Wait. Mom, either _shut up_ or leave! You can manipulate Clay all you want but not me. Now why didn't you bring my son?"

"I brought him two weeks ago for your contact visit. "

"You didn't bring him today because you wanted to get ugly in here with me. Don't do this again. If you come, he comes – please. If I can't hold him, at least I can see him. What else do you think's getting me through this shit? And let's get something else straight. Me and Tara – it's what I want. You got no say in that. What you can do is be supportive – like I know you can."

Gemma looked away, shaking her head. "I can't take the back and forth games you play with this chick. It's sick. You are sick, Jackson. And whipped."

Jax said nothing else while he stared expectantly and she sighed.

"I'd warn you to never have kids but it's too late for that. Because watching them go through shit like this is hard." Her demeanor softened. "Their hearts get broken. They get locked up or shot at, and no matter how much you love them, you can't prevent half of it from happening and you can't fix it when it does."

"Mom, I know you care and believe me I get where you're coming from. I know you. But be fair. I'm not some angel to Tara's devil. I fucked up a lot with her. You don't know everything. This woman – she's got my whole heart, Mom. Ever since we were kids, she's had it. After all this time, that's never gonna change. And I'm stuck in here for a year. Please help me keep her so I don't go crazy before I get out."

"Oh g*d." Gemma sighed heavily again, feeling tired and haggard. "You just told me a minute ago to leave her alone. I damn near threaten to kill this – _wench_ and now you expect me to switch gears and bring her back into the fold. I tried that before, remember?" She tapped her nails again the table. "Jax, did you ever stop to think that she hurt me too this time? I let her in for your sake and then I started to care. I'm not like you. I don't let people burn me over and over again."

"Do this for me, Mom. Please."

Gemma said nothing as she studied him pensively. "You're my son. What do I always do?"

"Hell no. Please don't do what _you_ always do." Jax's mouth curved in the smile that sometimes placated his mother and made her give in. Sometimes.

"Smart ass." She stood up. "I'm leaving now. I'll bring the baby up here next week. Tell Clay I'll see him around the same time." She blew him a kiss. " Bye, baby."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes:**

 **I want to thank all of you who posted a review or comment. It's encouraging and I learn things.**

 **I also thank everyone who reads this without posting a comment. That keeps me going too!**

 **Here are a few more tidbits –**

 ***Tara never found Maureen's letter, the contents of which won't be a factor in this fic.**

 ***The word "cuz" is a shortened spoken form of "because." Yeah, I make up words sometimes. But I'll try to remember to warn you about them!**

CHAPTER THREE

"Tara, we're so glad to have you back."

"Thank you, Dr. Neiderman." Tara had to tilt her head back to look at St. Thomas' handsome sable-haired Director of Pediatrics.

"It's Sam." He was watching her curiously as if he had a question but said instead, "Why don't we ease you back into the routine? This week you'll work half shifts."

Her eyes twinkled. "I can pull my own weight, Sam. I haven't been gone long enough to forget how everything works around here."

"I know but humor me. I'm the boss, after all." Sam Neiderman's smile was warm and welcoming and Tara felt completely at ease. She wondered what kind of reception she'd get from the hospital staff and so far it was as if she'd never left.

She'd been back in Charming for three days and at the end of the week she would see Jax again. In the meantime she would attempt to see Abel, which meant getting past Gemma Morrow. Tara was surprised out of her thoughts by Sam's gentle hug, but she remembered how naturally affectionate he was and hugged him back.

Over Sam's shoulder she saw Gemma round the corner down the hall. She was carrying Abel. Gemma's steps slowed as she watched the other doctor pull away from Tara, and bend slightly towards her to say a few words before he left.

Tara couldn't take her eyes off of Abel who saw her and squealed excitedly as he flapped his plump little arms towards her. He remembered her! She felt a regretful tightening in her chest because he had grown so much in three months and she'd missed it. She moved towards them, determined to follow Gemma if she tried to walk away from her. But Gemma stood her ground, her mouth twisted in a mocking smile.

"Well, well. I see you're getting right back into the swing of things, Doc."

Tara itched to hold Abel. "What are you doing here with him? What's wrong?"

"Routine check-up is all. Passed every test. He's strong and healthy. Aren't you, my little man?"

Tara was disappointed that Gemma hadn't let her run Abel's tests but her rational mind knew the appointment had probably been made long before anyone knew she was coming back. "Have you talked to Jax?"

"Yeah, I talked to him."

She waited in vain for Gemma to elaborate before saying, "I know you think it won't work between Jax and me, or you just hate me on general principle – or both. What went wrong between us before is not all my fault. I hurt him, he hurt me and then we went around again. Reset, shuffle, repeat. That's all over with now. I love him, I love Abel, and I'm here to stay. This is where I want to be. Now, I know you're like a mother grizzly bear on steroids when it comes to protecting family and the club, but Jax and I belong together. I am your son's old lady." Tara paused a beat and glanced at Abel who was baby-talking contentedly with Tara in his sight. "And his son is my son. And neither you nor anyone else is getting in the way of that – the family I am making with _them_. If you spoke to Jax then you know he wants this too. If you can find it in your heart to accept it with a little grace, Gemma, I'll meet you halfway. If you can't, then you're going to have a problem."

Tara waited for a response while Gemma gave her a measuring stare.

"Nice speech. What was that close encounter about with Dr. McDreamy? He's not just a baby healer. He looks like a baby _maker_ if you know what I mean."

Tara sighed with annoyance. "It was about someone in this town giving me a friendly welcome home. It was human warmth. Do you have any of that?"

"Honey, I don't share my warmth with just any friendly man – like some girlsdo. _Old ladies_ know better."

"If you want to have fun purposefully misinterpreting things and slinging barbs my way, go ahead. In the meantime, I'd like to hold Abel."

Gemma grudgingly thrust the little boy into Tara arms, making him squeal again with delight. Happily, Tara sat down with him on a nearby chair. She felt overwhelming relief that he was truly home and safe. She would look at the results of his tests herself – today. Her heart swelled with love for him, a love mixed with guilt.

"Abel!" She rocked him back and forth as he smiled and clung to the lapels of her lab coat without taking his crystal blue eyes off her face. He had his father's eyes. "I am so sorry that I left you, my precious one. I'll never leave you or your Daddy ever ever _ever_ again."

Tara didn't notice Gemma rolling her eyes heavenward with exasperated resignation. With obvious reluctance she said, "Jax wants Abel to live with you at his house while he serves his time."

Tara looked up in surprise while Abel patted her face. "He didn't tell me that."

"So? Are you calling me a liar?"

"No, but are you one?"

"You're pretty cheeky for someone trying to get in my good graces."

"I'll settle for getting you off my back."

Gemma huffed. "Smart ass. You had this kind of vinegar back when you and Jax first started sucking face. I thought it got squeezed out of you by those heavy ass medical books."

"Gemma, we need to find a balance. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life dodging your verbal bullets. What do you need for us to have peace?"

Abel caught Gemma's attention again and she sat down too, rubbing his arm.

"You'll never fully embrace the life, Tara. You and I both know it. In fact, there's a part of you that will always actively reject it. Jax loves you, loves Abel, and will love any other children you give him and that gives _you_ power over him. If you try to pull him away from Samcro, he might not leave the club but he'll be divided inside and weakened. Look at what happened to Opie when Donna (God rest her soul) developed a permanent hissy fit. He got fucked up more when he returned home to her than when he was in jail."

"She had a good reason for a permanent hissy fit, Gemma. Look at what happened to her."

She pointed a finger in Tara's face. "I was torn up by what happened to that girl, okay? But let's not play a game of pretend just because she's dead. Donna got with Opie after he became a prospect. She knew exactly what she was getting into with him. Even during peacetime, the club is…edgy. So when something goes wrong within its ranks….things can get very bad. That's just the way it is and that's something you should never forget, _old lady."_

Tara held back sharp words. Donna never thought she'd one day have her head blown off, leaving her young children motherless, just because her man was a Son, and it was certainly nothing to shrug off like Gemma was doing.

"The point is, a woman can be a thorn in a man's skull. I don't want Jax getting hurt or making stupid decisions for the club because he's trying to appease _you_."

Tara shifted Abel in her lap. "If Samcro business doesn't harm my family, then there won't be a problem. But that depends on Samcro, doesn't it? After all, the club's priorities tend not to be the same as mine."

"You know, Tara, you're cute when you try to be threatening. I haven't got anything else to say about the topic – for now. Jax is a grown man. He will do whatever the hell he wants, no matter what I say, but that's beside the point. You and I need to have an understanding that I will be watching you, Tara. You're calling yourself my grandson's mother, and you know what kind of high expectations I have for any person claiming that position. Oh, and here's another thing: _don't_ hurt my son again. That is all." She reached for Abel and stood up; Tara did too.

"I'd like to see Abel tomorrow."

"You're seeing him now….Oh, don't make that face. You'll have him full-time soon enough. You just got back to your house and your old job. Don't you need time to prepare for this? Jax needs to tell me when you're taking him. I don't – " Gemma stopped abruptly and stared at her. "I don't like this. What appendage is he thinking with?" Gemma shook her head in denial. "Girl, you were born to run. Honestly, what the hell do you know about raising a child 24/7, Tara? And I'm not talking about this controlled setting here where you deal with a sick child on some well-ordered schedule when you operate, hook up an IV and then go home to a nice bubble bath and your favorite TV show. You know nothing about raising a kid."

Tara's fists balled in her pockets. "I know that Jax was indoctrinated from birth _by you_ into a violentcriminalgang – and his membership in that gang puts his life and _your grandchild's life_ in danger _all the time!_ Hardly makes you a role model for motherhood, _now_ _does it?"_ Tara took a deep restraining breath, noticing Abel's serious expression as he looked from one woman to the other. She was just thankful that no one else was presently in the hallway with them. "You just can't resist the insults, can you? Well, I think I've had enough for today. I'll be by to see Abel tomorrow."

She kissed both of Abel's round apple cheeks which necessarily brought her face very close to Gemma's but she didn't give a damn. As she walked down the hall to take the elevator up to the nursery, she felt Gemma's eyes shoving daggers in her back. She wondered exactly how much trouble the older woman was going to be until she believed Tara was fully committed to Jax and Abel. But if Gemma was waiting for Tara to be committed to the Sons of Anarchy too, then she would have a very long wait indeed.

/

Once she and Abel moved into Jax's house, the days seemed to bleed into one another endlessly for Tara. She had resumed her full roster of duties and the patient and surgery volume steadily increased for her. Whenever Tara got off from work, Gemma insisted that she take Abel home even if he was asleep. That situation worked both ways however because when her hospital pager went off in the middle of the night, she had to take him back to Gemma. Tara had to learn how to move Abel without waking him up. The same moves didn't work for every baby. She learned the hard way that only the lightest of touches and slowest of movements would leave his slumber undisturbed. He became highly irritated otherwise and would let Tara know it for hours before he quieted enough for her to snatch a few hours of sleep. She didn't remember him being like this before and worried that the kidnapping had affected Abel in a way she couldn't understand yet because he couldn't tell her.

Sometimes Tara boldly took him to work with her when she was summoned at odd hours, which fortunately he did not seem to mind if he was awake already. If either of the charge nurses, Colleen Rafferty or Da'Shell Stone were there, Tara was in the clear because she liked them and they were in love with Abel and would babysit or arrange for another nurse to do it while Tara was in surgery or making her rounds. It wasn't professional but she wasn't above taking advantage if her need was great enough.

For a woman who was nearly dead on her feet at the end of each shift and who was, for all intents and purposes, a single mom, the situation was the ultimate test of her patience and endurance. In the beginning Tara often returned from work with the same bags under her eyes that she left home with until some relief from the grueling schedule came from the return of Neeta, who had been in the San Fernando Valley for months caring for a terminally ill brother who had finally died. Tara was about to give in and hire one of the women she had interviewed before. She had wanted only familiar hands on Abel now, especially when she was not close by.

In the meantime Tara counted the days until Jax's release from prison, which didn't do much to encourage her because he had so many to get through between now and then.

/

About seven months later…

Jax looked at Tara's bent head and suspected that she was barely listening to him. Lately he didn't feel happy when she visited and it disturbed him. It didn't have anything to do with loving her because he was certifiably crazy-in-love with the woman but…lately he was downright irritated to look up and see her face on the other side of the damn bullet-proof glass. It must be the constant separation getting to him. He was on the edge to the point where any small incident was potentially a trigger for him. When he got shanked and Tara was scheduled to visit him the following week, he damn near lost it when one of the prison doctors said his visits should be cancelled for the next two weeks. It was lucky for Jax that the doc was the sympathetic type because he didn't report him like he was supposed to. Instead he offered him a choice of one of the scheduled visits if Jax could walk without wincing. It took a couple days but he managed to do it. He had already seen Abel the week before so he chose a visit with Tara over Gemma and Opie and it was all good.

It was all good, that is, until he started noticing that he didn't have her undivided attention anymore when she came to see him. In fact, Tara was _always_ distracted now which was a blow to his ego. He wondered if she was tired of waiting for him already, tired of being a mother to Abel while the g*ddamn legal guardianship paperwork was taking so long – mainly because Abel's father was in jail and his mother, presumed to be still alive, was nowhere to be found – two factors you'd think would speed the process along. But oh no. Slow-ass case workers and red tape bullshit were in full effect.

Jax glared at Tara's beautiful hair, annoyingly pulled back in a severe bun. She didn't even wear it out for him anymore. Like, what the fuck? It wasn't that g*ddamn hot outside.

Tara could feel his eyes on her. She was quickly trying to remember what he just said. She was so tired she couldn't see straight and all she really wanted to do was sleep. She didn't like coming to see Jax this way, so sometimes she skipped a visit, opting to write him a letter instead. Sometimes he would not respond, despite his promise, and when she saw him the next time, he'd be moody and monosyllabic and stare at her with a cool guarded expression – like now.

They seemed to be back to square one.

Aside from all this, she noticed that Jax wasn't the same. Prison was changing him and it saddened her to think that it might be permanent. He didn't smile at her anymore and never laughed – not that there was anything funny about prison of course.

"Hey," he said suddenly. "Is there someplace else you'd rather be? Don't let me keep you from it."

Tara eyes flew guiltily to his and she sighed wearily. "I'm sorry. I try not to come when I'm tired like this but I notice you get upset when I don't come." She could tell he was in a particularly testy mood and she wanted to leave right then. This wasn't how their time together should be.

"I don't get upset."

"Okay. You don't get upset. My mistake."

"That's not your only one."

"What do you mean?"

Jax stared at her, brooding. The problem was he hadn't touched her for about ten months. The review board repeatedly denied him all contact visits except once a month with Abel and _only Gemma_ was cleared to bring him. Jax knew what it was. Somebody had a beef with the Sons because they were all getting similar treatment. They were trying to break the club, trying to get any of them to act out so that they'd have to serve their full sentences. During one particular review session when he realized that he would _never_ touch Tara as long as he was in Spee, he almost went ballistic and of course John Cane Gamble, the warden's favorite bulldog, was there grinning and waiting for it to happen. It took all the will power Jax ever possessed not to let loose on that motherfucker's face! He could have gotten at least one good punch in! But instead he kept himself as silent and as still as a stone until they told him he could leave. Maybe he'd been in some kind of shock anyway at the thought that his woman was completely off limits to him. He couldn't so much as touch a strand of her hair for _over a year_. That was wrong on so many levels his head ached with outrage whenever he thought too much about it. But the Sons couldn't make noise about it, couldn't try to involve their lawyer or any prisoner advocacy reps because anything could happen to an inmate marked as a troublemaker.

So he was stuck. Now, every time Tara came and sat behind the glass his emotional and sexual need for her threatened to get out of control. It was painful to sit there and look at her – only look. After a while hearing her voice made it worse. But he had to see her and hear her. She couldn't withdraw from him now or he would lose himself.

"Where's Abel? Why didn't my mom bring him this week like she said?"

"You'll have to ask her."

"I'm asking you."

"I don't have the answer to that question, Jackson, or else I'd tell you. As far as where he is right now – Neeta has him, as usual."

"That's great for Neeta but what about me?"

"What _about_ you?"

"What about what the _fuck_ is going on between us right now, huh?"

"Jax – "

"You act like you don't want to be here."

"Well – this _is_ a prison."

"Why are you playing with me, Tara?"

"Jax! You've been growing a bad attitude with me for the last two and a half months and today you're in attack mode. The real question is, do _you_ want me here?"

Damn, he needed a cigarette! Instead, he dropped the "phone" and ran both hands over his buzz cut, wishing there was enough hair to grab and pull the fuck out. He leaned back to stare at the ceiling and was silent for a while until he could get a grip on his irrational anger. When he spoke again it was in a controlled tone with a calmness he did not feel.

"Tara, it's getting harder being in here and away from you and Abel. I'm not raising my own son. I'm losing him."

"No, baby, you're not losing him."

"Don't tell me that! I'm some guy in a weird orange suit in a big gray room that he's forced to travel a thousand miles to visit twice a month. But I only get to hold him once. _Once a month._ And whenever _you_ visit – " His expression became heated and intense. " – I can't ever _touch_ you.I remember what your skin felt like ten months ago – but I don't know what your skin feels like _today._ Do you understand that? And lately you've had that look – like when you first decided you wanted to leave me for med school. I remember the way your face started to look when you were getting bored with Charming and bored with me."

"That wasn't it and you know it. I was not bored with you or Charming. It was about me, not you. We've discussed this ad nauseum."

"Classic line – 'it's me, not you.' Let me refresh your memory. That Saturday night you came to my room at the clubhouse and worked me over until I was sated and sore and damn near passed out with exhaustion. And that was your plan, wasn't it?"

Tara's face reddened. "Jax, come on – "

"You snuck out and when I came looking for you later that morning your neighbor, Mrs. Cravers, the one with that nutty Pomeranian dog, told me you were long gone, that your pops drove you the train station cuz you were, as she put it, going to be a 'big time college gal.' She seemed to take extra pleasure in telling me that you were a good girl who'd finally shook off my bad influence. Old windbag. Yeah, you told me you were leaving with or without me and _never_ returning to Charming. But what you _didn't_ say was that you were leaving the next day after you fucked my brains out the night before. So yeah, I'm thinking it was about me cuz it was me you left. I remember that shit like it was yesterday, but that's the past – "

"A past you keep throwing in my face!"

" – but what about right now?"

"Right now – I gotta get out of here."

"Why?"

"I can't take this anymore." Tara stood up, still holding the handset, and so did he, drawing a guard's attention.

"Sit down, Tara. We got at least fifteen minutes left."

"For what? More of this? No, thank you." She stared at him sadly. "I'm going home, Jackson."

Jax felt something like panic but hid it as best he could. "Home where?"

"Don't ask me stupid questions. This is a four hour ride altogether coming and going, okay? I have a full-time job, a full-time child (of whom I'm not even the legal guardian, I might add) and a full-time pain in the ass, otherwise known as your mother. Plus, I've been patching up your biker brothers whenever they get into some mysterious scrape, which I don't remember signing up for this time around. So please – "

"You don't have to help the club like that if you don't want to, Tara. No one said you had to. Apparently, you don't have to do a damn thing except find fault with me."

Tara stared at him, loving him with all her heart but not liking one single thing about him at the moment.

"Jail is hell. I get that, Jax. I actually pray for all of you just in case that'll help. On the other hand, provided your _brothers_ don't let someone shank you again – " She had to swallow back the fear and worry she felt every time she thought about that. " – all you have to do is eat, sleep and shit. Well, I'm a little busier than that. So if this place is winding you up so tight that you're going to ruin our time together by being a complete asshole, then I'm not coming up here anymore."

"What do you mean you're not coming?"

"Well, in English it means 'I'm not coming.' I'm not going out of my way, using up my little time off from Saint Thomas, to come here and be mistreated by you. When you man-up and get your shit together, let me know and I'll _think_ about it."

She hung up the handset.

"What the hell? Hey! Where are you going? Tara, come back here!"

"Teller, take it easy," said Pivvens, one of the nicer guards in Spee.

Another guard let Tara out and she hurriedly disappeared from sight without looking back. Jax was almost trembling with frustration and self-disgust and if he could have put his fist through the 3-inch wall of glass without breaking every bone in his hand and adding to his time, he would have.

/

Tara barely noticed the discomfort of the prison bus ride this time since her thoughts were equally chaotic. She felt the same way Jax did about the lack of physical contact between them. It caused a disconnection. All these months behind the glass and without real privacy, they had not broached the more serious issues about their relationship – the do's, the don'ts, and the future of their family of three in relation to the future goals of Samcro and the part Jax intended to play in those goals. To be honest it was almost as if neither Jax nor their renewed relationship was real and she was in limbo. And here she was having given up everything she'd built professionally in Chicago _again_ to come back to him.

The first time was precipitated by a quest for safety. Despite telling Jax that she didn't know if he still lived in Charming when she decided to return, the truth was that's the first thing she checked. If nothing else, she would feel safer just being near him and she had felt safe – for a while. There were no pretenses with this second return however and no chance of changing her mind because she was 100% committed. Was Jax? She hadn't counted on any hostility from him once he agreed to try again and in the beginning everything was fine. Now it wasn't. She loved Abel but she would not have returned to stay without reconnecting with his father. She was in deeper than before but now Jax was acting like he didn't even like her. Well, he had to prove otherwise before she went back to that prison. She wasn't going to write to him; she wasn't doing anything. The ball was in his court.

/

A month later Tara was dragging herself through the doorway at 2 in the afternoon. She figured she could snatch some sleep before picking Abel up from Neeta around 6pm. As she bent down to get the mail off the floor, she saw that one of the envelopes was from the prison and she suddenly felt a little more energetic. She'd been so depressed since the last time she'd been there. She plopped down on the couch, tearing the brown envelope open at the same time.

/

 _Tara,_

 _I love you._

 _You know I'm sorry. Why don't you let me say it to your face? Haven't you punished me enough?_

 _Being trapped in here is doing bad things to my head, but you were right when you told me to "man- up." (smile) I have. I am sorry for taking my frustrations out on you and acting like an s.o.b. for so long. You've never deserved that from me._

 _You and Abel are my life. I want to always be a man that both of you can trust and respect._

 _Tara, I miss you like crazy and I need to see you, babe. Please come._

 _Jax_

 _/_

 _Dear Jax,_

 _I love and miss you too. You can't imagine how much! I need to see you as much as you need to see me – maybe even more._

 _Whatever problems we have, we're strong enough to deal with them together. We're a team. Don't push me away. You told me I was your home and your peace, remember?_

 _I will come to you in a few days, my love._

 _With all my heart and many kisses( XXX…),_

 _Tara_

 _/_

Thereafter, Jax was never sullen with her but there was a wall of reserve that he had from her next visit onward which she still wanted to attribute to the effects of being imprisoned. Tara decided to accept within reason whatever demeanor he had if it helped him get through the remaining months. She was still often tired and distracted during her prison visits but if she had to accept whatever was going on with Jax then he had to accept her issues too. At any rate she did not want to use emotional energy trying to knock their emotional barrier down. They would just have to wait to settle things between them once and for all when he got out. She had enough to deal with on her end, like work both at the hospital and occasionally for the club, mortgage and utility payments for Jax's and her father's house (she was not giving that up yet), and being a mother, for which she had no prior experience and which after all these months she was still nervous about. Tara was finally awarded guardianship of Abel but that didn't mean Wendy wouldn't suddenly reappear and cause problems.

Jax and the Sons didn't have long to wait now for the end of their Spee West vacation. Of course if only waiting was all they had to do, the last three months would have been easy – but they were not easy. Whoever might be out to get them didn't have much time left to reach their goal but it was enough.

Regardless, being on the edge could be their undoing more than anything else.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

The Sons sat in their usual spot in the prison courtyard looking like a flock of crows – mean but tired.

Tig's arms spanned the back of the bench where he sat, his restless gaze darting here and there. "I'm telling you, man - the warden is just being a dick. We ain't the only ones getting the treatment. It's the fucking Mayans we need to deal with."

Juice blinked sleepily, his chin on his fist. "Or the Nords. They're in here – maybe working with the Russians."

"The Russians can eat shit! And _Nords?_ Fucking really?" Tig snorted dismissively. "Hey, the ones that got you? They covered their faces but had white hands, right? Don't worry, bro. We'll get them too." He shrugged. "Random Aryans maybe. But they're acting alone, without orders."

"How do you know?"

"I just know. But I'll tell you what - I _will kill._ Right now. Clay?"

Clay stood with hands in his pockets, looking down between his feet. "We got forty-three days, gentlemen."

"And then the crow flies high and hot," Happy added in his customary ominous rasp.

Annoyance flowed from Tig in palpable waves. "What the hell's wrong with right now? Clay, I got it set up. I just need the word."

Bobby stared at Tig incredulously. "Set up what with who?"

"You _set up_ something without a vote?" Clay's frown seemed to squeeze his face inward. "Well you _unset_ it up, you hear me? We're almost outta here and you want to start a jungle rumble now. It ain't happening."

Tig looked disgusted and mutinous but said nothing.

"Tig! We'll deal with whoever when we get out. Is that clear?"

The other man looked away into the distance. That was all Clay would get out of him and he knew it.

Juice looked back and forth between the two of them. "Look, forget all that. If our enemies couldn't kill us off in a whole year, they won't now - at least not in here. What I want to know is, why's the warden screwing with Jax so much? This is the second time in ten days he's been taken to that office and he's been acting really weird lately. What's wrong with him and what the hell's the warden up to?"

Clay looked at the youngest full member of the club. Juice had definitely gotten harder in the past year. He no longer smiled so much. Even while sporting a mustache he still looked young and probably always would, but he didn't act like a boy anymore. He was no longer so laid back. To Clay's way of thinking prison had been good for Juice and now Juice was better for the club.

"Maybe the warden's a wrist twister and likes blonds." This came from Happy who as usual spoke with a poker face. You could never tell when he was joking so it was always safer to assume he wasn't.

Tig sighed, exasperated. "Aw, man. Come on, can't you see? The warden is _nothing._ Jax just rubs him the wrong way – "

"I can damn sure sympathize," Clay muttered.

" – and the chucklehead's got nothing better do with his shit job then mess with random prisoners. Now, we've seen with our own eyes who's been flexing at us from day one. So I say we bust some Mayan _and_ Aryan ass before we leave up outta this bitch."

Happy's eyes were gleaming with anticipation but Bobby looked concerned when he said, "I think Tig's right about the Mayans but Jax said Stone asked him if he was involved in that fight in C block. Now Stone brings him in again. Why? I think there's more to the warden than meets the eye. Or Happy's right and dude's got a li'l crush on Jax. Either way, I don't like it."

Clay sighed and cracked his neck. Prison might have given Juice his manhood but it was eroding his own. He felt tired all the time, unenthusiastic about club business – which they conducted on the outside primarily through Opie and Piney. Sometimes the guys had to tell him something twice before he heard them. He was becoming a fucking space cadet! Clay felt a spurt of anger about the fact he was just starting to face. His age and his health were working against him. The club needed strength in leadership. What if he didn't return to normal when he got out? He'd damn sure know the truth if Gemma started looking at him the way she looked at John before he was killed….

"Fuck it!" he barked suddenly and they all looked at him. "We all keep our heads on straight for six more weeks – like we been doing for a year. We'll take care of whoever needs it _after we get out._ That's the goal. Getting out alive is all that matters."

/

Walls. All around him. All the time. And the same lying faces. The exact same day lived over and over again behind gray walls...

"It's for your own good, Teller."

Jax stared back at Stone's round, pockmarked face as if he hadn't said anything. The warden frowned.

"It's for your own _sake._ Let me go over this one more time.I've had nothing but trouble ever since the Sons entered this prison. You guys seem to have a _lot_ of enemies. I also noticed that undesirable activity is increasing the closer you get to your release date. Evidently there are some people who don't want your little group leave. And _you_ in particular seem to incense them more than all the rest put together. I wonder why that is, Teller. Can you enlighten me?...No? Well, that's alright because I have a solution. To prevent a catastrophe for you and a mess for me you'll be held in the Special Housing Unit for the duration of your sentence – starting right now."

Special Housing Unit – i.e. solitary confinement.

Jax knew better than to respond in any way. It was no secret that the warden hated biker crews and so he took the man's harassment in stride. But six weeks in SHU? That was pretty g*ddamn nasty and clearly another attempt to break him just for the hell of it. It wasn't really the idea of seclusion that bothered him. Jax had been placed in the hotbox before – just nowhere near the length of time the warden had in mind. Something else concerned him more though. He was already more anxious and jumpy now that freedom was within reach but he held it in. The constant looking behind his back had gotten to him. The routine of imprisonment had gotten to him. Shit, the fact that he hadn't ridden his motherfucking bike in over a year was trippy enough by itself – not to mention the effect of everything on his relationship with Tara and his son. His visits with them became little more than the pleasure of looking at them without saying much. Abel barely paid him any attention anymore even when he held him. Jax might as well have disappeared from the boy's life like a deadbeat dad. The more his frustration grew, the more wound up he became. The more tightly he held it in, the more he played mind games with himself like counting seconds or the grains of rice on his plate to prevent an explosion. During his time in Spee he put on The Face to ward off suspicions of weakness but the truth was – he was all fucked up inside. Invisibly bent and twisted at wrong angles. He could feel it.

And Jax doubted that solitary confinement for _six_ _weeks_ was going to fix that.

His mouth twisted in a bitter semblance of a smile as he stared coldly right through the warden's head to the dull gray wall behind him. He'd been waiting for the next shoe to drop and this was it. No visits, no interaction with anyone, except the club's lawyer from time to time whose sole purpose would be to let everyone know whether or not he was dead.

Because contrary to popular belief it was relatively easier to kill someone in solitary confinement.

/

The day had come.

Gemma had planned a gigantic welcome home celebration. The fact that a few members were being released from prison wasn't an unusual event and the scale of Gemma's endeavors far exceeded what was expected but no one was complaining. Not out loud anyway. During the entire process she had worked all the croweaters, prospects and Lyla and Tara nearly to death, although the latter got a miniscule pass because of her type of job. SOA members from all the various western charters were invited. Everything was in place except the final preparation of some of the food. Actually as long as there were more than enough kegs, nothing else was really needed but Gemma believed in the counteractive power of lots of food and the presence of children to ward off at least the more obscene antics that the Sons often indulged in at their parties. That's why the invitations strongly encouraged the men to bring their families. As a result most who began to arrive as early as 1am that morning remained fairly sober and well-behaved.

Around 9am Opie, Chibs and Miles prepared to leave for the long ride to Spee to greet their brothers upon release. They were taking two of the prospects, Ratboy and Zero, with them. A bunch of Sons and croweaters hovered around them in the square for the customary send-off.

Piney walked over and stood in front of Opie who sat astride his bike. "Don't you think they can find their way home by themselves? They ain't babies."

"What's wrong, Dad?"

"That's a long ass ride just to play escort to some jailbird Sons."

Opie smiled slightly. "Well, you're not going, old man. So what's it to you?"

Piney lowered his voice. "You need to be here protecting club property. Gemma got all these beer-guzzling freeloaders around. There's too many roosters in this coop."

"You got Kozik, Dylan, Phil and a bunch of shotguns. So what is it?" Opie eyed him thoughtfully. "You worried about me?"

"Pshaw! Hell no. Get outta my face, boy." Piney looked offended and went back inside.

Chibs shook his head. "What's wrong with him, _a chara?"_

"Nothing. Just him being him. And Nick Lane of Samtaz busted the last bottle of Cutty Sark."

"Shyte. Piney luvs that stuff."

"He'll live." They all fired up their bikes and rode away with Opie in the lead.

Piney went back into the kitchen. He kind of wanted to go to Spee with them but he didn't feel too good. Plus that dickhead from Arizona wasted a full g*ddamn _gallon_ of Cutty Sark all over the g*ddamn clubhouse floor! But his ire mostly faded away when Abel came running over to him. The little boy grabbed his legs and beamed a toothy grin at him.

"Huggy!"

"Boy, you always want a hug." Piney bent over as far as he dared to give in to Abel's demands. When he straightened up, Tara was standing in front of him with a smile. She looked tired.

"He's been asking about you ever since he woke up this morning."

"Ha! Has he now? Well, you'll have to come with me outside, young cub. There's too much commotion in here. They might try to put my old bones to work. Come on!" He took Abel by the hand and they slowly walked to the canopy in the back yard and sat down – or rather Piney sat down while Abel ran circles around him, pretending to be an airplane.

Samcro would finally be released from Stockton Penitentiary West at 12pm after serving a fourteen month sentence. They were expected to arrive at the clubhouse around 3pm. When the time came Piney received a call from Chibs that the group was about 30 minutes away from home, having just passed through Lodi. Grinning from ear to ear Piney ambled into the kitchen where Tara was stirring yet another bowl of potato salad.

"Jax is coming, gal! Drop that spoon and wait outside with the rest of 'em."

Tara stopped in mid-stir, looking like a deer caught in headlights. "But I thought they wouldn't get here until 3. It's only five after 2."

"So? I suspect someone's in a hurry to see _someone."_ Piney eyed her meaningfully. "Aww, don't look like that, gal. Sure, he might be mean and ornery when he gets here but there's only one thing to take care of that and you're it, so don't you worry. But you better save your strength, honey." And then the old curmudgeon laughed heartily at her expression.

"Piney! You in here being a nuisance?" barked Gemma as she bustled into the kitchen with three harried croweaters, carrying heavy packages following behind her. She eyed Tara critically. "So you're wearing a skirt. Where's my baby?"

Piney belched. "Opie's gal has him."

"Shit. Did she at least baste those chickens?"

"You're asking me?"

"No, I'm asking the Dalai Lama." She shook her head when she spied Lyla laughing and being chased by Abel and several other small children all over the yard. "I asked her to help me and she's playing with the kids. I swear, Lyla acts like a damn two-year-old herself sometimes. Opie sure can pick 'em, can't he?"

"Excuse me," Tara said rushing past them and leaving the kitchen.

Annoyed, Gemma stared after her. "Scram for a minute," she told the three croweaters who were grateful to get away from her.

"Piney, what the hell is wrong with her?"

He took a big swig from his beer can. "Why don't you leave that girl alone, Gemma? You been riding her like a racehorse ever since she came back to Charming. She's good people and she's good for Jacky. Leave her be."

Gemma had picked up stirring the potato salad where Tara left off. "I'm not leaving anything 'be.' I don't want her acting flaky when Jax gets here. He's been caged up like a zoo animal for 400 days and in solitary for the last 40. The last thing he needs is Tara in one of her damn moods and wearing that ugly frown of hers. Why he picked that dark grim uptight girl is beyond me."

Piney stared at her with his mouth agape. "j*s*s chr*st! Who's more dark grim and uptight than _you_? The Doc does almost everything you ask her to. She's been raising Abel as her own kid, taking care of Jax's house, been the unofficial, uh, medical officer for the club, _and_ she took that long ass ride damn near every week to see that boy of yours – more than you did. And I know for a fact that Jax ain't always sweetness and light to deal with because I've known him all his life. And do you also remember that Tara performs life and death surgery and shit on _babies?_ So you ain't got no right to expect a damn thing more from that kid's old lady. Clay and Jax being away makes you nuttier than you want to admit and you're taking it out on that girl. _Stop doing that,_ you crazy old gash."

She waved a spoon at him. "You're the only one who can get away with talking to me like that – _once._ That girl's a runner, Piney. She left my son's heart in shreds for ten years. She finally came back only because she had a big problem and then she decided to stay – right before she left again. Now it's clear she's attached to that baby who she's taken care of every day. I know you won't believe it, but I do give her big points for that. But that's not enough. What about Jax? He's not gonna be the same. And when he's up close and personal every day and the thrill of finally being able to fuck wears off, I wanna see if she sticks – _with him._ Until then, she's on my hook and I don't give a damn _who_ don't like it. _"_

Piney waved his hand dismissively at her and grabbed another beer from the fridge. "I ain't got nothing else to say. Just stay away from me, woman. I'm going back in the yard with the kids."

"Yeah, you do that. And slow down on that beer before you keel over and die and ruin my party. Tracy, Diane! And, uh…The Chick With The Bony Ass – get back in here!"

/

Sons of Anarchy were everywhere. Even though hardly anyone paid her any attention Tara felt like she was walking a gauntlet through the main room to the open square outside. They were out there too. Everywhere she turned that grim reaper on everyone's back was taunting her. She had to get away! There was a light on in the garage office so she tried the door which was unlocked. Tara discovered Filthy Phil in the rear file room which was little bigger than a closet. He was slouched in a chair, staring into space. He'd stolen her idea.

"Uh, Doc! _Please_ don't tell Gemma. I just needed some down time. She's working my ass off. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds but damn!"

Tara couldn't help but smile empathetically. "It's okay, Phil. I'll go somewhere else."

"No, ma'am! I gotta get back anyway." And he hurried out stealthily.

Tara was glad to be completely alone but she didn't know how long that would last. She peeked outside and looked at the roof. Good. No one else was there. In minutes she was sitting on hard stone, averting her gaze from the noisy scene below to study the cloudless sky above. This was one of Jax's 'thinking places.' Tara missed him so much. These last six weeks had her twisted up in sad knots. She could only imagine in her nightmares what solitary confinement had been like for him. She had sent letters to him that she knew he wouldn't get until now if at all. He told her a long time ago that he didn't know who he'd be once he got out. At the time she'd been pretty confident that it wouldn't matter, that inside he'd still be the same boy she fell in love with in high school. Actually, she'd been secretly in love with him since grade school, even though at the time she thought boys in general were 'gross.' She knew she should have faith that they were still on solid ground. Surely, six weeks couldn't obliterate the relationship they'd been building through bulletproof Plexiglas for a year. A niggling voice inside reminded her of how he quickly he could shut her out of his life when he wanted to. She had forgiven him but it would be foolish to forget. Honestly, she was afraid to deal with a Jax who'd gone six weeks without seeing his son or even his brothers, who'd been alone and constantly on alert for someone trying to kill him. But this was exactly the Jax expected to arrive in about 15 minutes.

Suppressing a shudder she wandered down from the roof. Just before reentering the office Tara saw Gemma standing with her arms folded in the doorway of the clubhouse, watching her. She'd been watching her a lot this past month. Something was on her mind and judging by the way she was walking towards her, Tara figured she was about to find out what it was.

Gemma aggressively pushed open the door that Tara let close in her face. "Is your head on straight enough to do this today? Because if it isn't, _get_ it straight."

"I'm fine."

"I don't give a shit if _you're_ fine. You picked the very day he gets out to pull this crap. You gotta welcome him home the right way, Tara. There are two things you don't mess around with – a Son going to jail and a Son getting out of jail. You don't start any shit. You stay sweet – at least for the first week….Oh for g*d's sake. Why do you look like I'm speaking Swahili? If you can't handle this, then leave. I mean it. Because I could name at least – " Gemma paused dramatically as if she was thinking hard. " – five true 'ride or die' MC bitches who would know exactly what to do for Jax today."

"Gemma, I'm fine! I've been handling all of _this,_ him, you and everything else for quite a while now, okay? And I _handle_ well. I'm the goddess of handling! I'd love to see your five precious 'MC bitches' even _try_ to do what I do. Until then, _back off._ "

Gemma threw up her hands. "And now he's coming home to a _deaf_ broad! It's not about _you_ being fine or what you've done, princess. You make sure _he's_ fine. That's all you have to do."

"Well how about this? _Stay out of my face!_ That's all _you_ have to do!"

On that note Tara stalked out of the garage office. Her nerves were so frayed that she was close to punching the Queen of Anarchy in the face, the repercussions of which would send Jax's homecoming straight to hell. She went back into the clubhouse to get Abel from Piney. Several bikers eyed her up and down. Some had heard about the Samcro prince whose old lady was a pediatric surgeon. The situation fascinated them.

As soon as Tara entered the kitchen Abel burst in from the yard with Piney following. Abel laughed and hugged her legs.

"Ma!"

She forgot her anxiety for a moment when she picked him up and kissed his cheek. G*d, she loved him! She could not feel more like Abel's mother even if she'd actually given birth to him.

"You okay?" Piney asked gently, patting her shoulder.

She smiled ruefully at him. "For some reason it makes people mad today when I say 'I'm fine'"

"Yeah?" Piney responded knowingly, making a path for her through the throng in the main room. "Well, you ain't gotta worry about 'people.' There's only one, er,…" He paused to tickle Abel who squealed and tried to burrow into his mother to escape. "…make that, _two,_ people you got to care about. The rest can shit and die."

"Promise?"

He laughed harshly. "Come on, gal. Time to go out front and welcome your man home. He needs to see you out there first thing." With that admonishment he left her to take a seat behind the bar to watch over the liquor.

Getting more nervous with each step Tara held Abel's hand as she walked over to where Lyla and Gemma were standing, positioned in front of the crowd in the square. She had agonized about what to wear but in the end kept it simple. She decided on a black blouse with short slightly puffed sleeves and a deep V-neck. Her black silky skirt flared out a little around the hem which rested higher above the knees than she was used to. She had chosen her black strappy 2-inch heel sandals for comfort more than fashion. She had cut about an inch and a half of her hair all around and it was short enough in front to make soft bangs, giving her a delicate look. But it was still long, just the way Jax liked it. A breeze relieved the dominance of the hot afternoon sun and briefly lifted her hair off her shoulders.

Tara's breath caught as in the distance came the first rumbling of the bikes. She would never have admitted it if asked but she wanted nothing more than to grab Abel, run to her car and drive away. But of course she wouldn't. Some Sons and their groupies stood in the street outside the gates. They clapped and hooted when they caught that first glimpse of the gang turning the corner a block away. Tara breathed in and out deeply in an attempt to remain calm but her heart would not stop fluttering wildly in her breast like a bird trapped in a cage. The sound of over half a dozen motorcycles became deafening. The people in the street began to cheer raucously over the noise and made way for the grand entrance of the returnees into the Teller-Morrow square.

Abel's eyes grew round as saucers as he seemed to look everywhere at once and he held her hand tightly. Laughing suddenly, he began to jump up and down, recognizing someone in particular despite all the identical helmets and sunglasses, the sharp glare of chromium plates and the general bedlam surrounding them.

"Dad-dy!"

No, she wasn't going anywhere. This was what she came back for.

There would be no more running.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Notes:**

 **Thank you all so much for the reviews and the following and the 'favoriting.' Thanks for welcoming this repost back as I revise each chapter day by day. With your encouragement y'all are helping me get into the habit of writing daily – which I had fallen away from. This is priceless! Again, the brand new chapter will be Chapter Eight and there might be a Chapter Nine. Not sure. Jax and Tara will have to tell me when and how their** _ **Want Me**_ **story will end. I'm just being quiet and listening. Enjoy!**

CHAPTER FIVE

" _Hey, come on, honey_

 _Go along home and wait for me, baby_

 _I'll be there in just a little while…._

 _Love my girl. She lookin' good. Lookin'_ real _good…."_

~~"Five to One" by The Doors.

A bunch of Sons surrounded him with back-slapping hugs and laughter until Piney made them all move away so that his family could get near him. Soon there was space around him and then her view of him was unobstructed.

Tara could hardly move. There he was, Jackson Eric Teller, still sitting astride his Dyna. He had taken off his helmet, revealing the buzz cut he still maintained, and was staring at her from behind those pitch-black sunglasses, his face carved in stone. She swallowed and moved forward with Abel who was tugging her hand, urging her to move faster. Just before they reached him, Gemma intercepted with a big smile on her face and a suspicious mistiness in her eyes as she hugged Jax tightly, looking him over carefully.

"You okay, baby?" She kept the heavy strain of worry and anxious relief out of her voice as best as she could. This was the first time she'd seen or spoken to him in over six weeks. What that did to her was some indescribable shit.

Jax smiled slightly. "Yeah."

Some croweaters hovered near waiting to get closer to the prince but Gemma scowled at them. Nary a one of this bunch had lifted a g*ddamn finger to help prepare for the party. They thought all they had to do was come around and spread 'em when all the men arrived.

"Ay. You mind giving him some breathing room? He wants his son, not you _trick hoes_. Move!"

The women slunk away pouting but determined to get their chance later, certain the prissy stick-up-her-ass doctor wouldn't be able to give it to him hardcore tonight. All the bikers wanted it rough and constant after they'd been without it so long….

Both Gemma and Jax turned to look at Tara who didn't miss a beat and thrust an excited Abel towards his father. It was only at that point that Jax finally got off the bike and whipped off his shades. He barely seemed to notice when Tara took them from him before he wrapped his arms around Abel.

"Who is this big man? Is this my son?"

Abel squealed and hugged him and it brought tears of relief to Jax's eyes which he sought to hide under the cover of a prolonged embrace. He had been afraid that his boy wouldn't be happy to see him when he finally got out. Jax remembered those painful final, visits before he was put in 'the box,' when Abel ignored him like he didn't know who he was. The child simply must have been as tired of visiting the prison as Jax was of living in it. But now Abel pressed a sloppy kiss on his cheek and held on to him while chattering loudly in his face about things important to toddlers. Jax was ready to get down on his knees and thank whatever God might exist.

Tara stood there awkwardly, watching Jax and Abel together. They were so much alike. She examined Jax covertly while his attention was diverted. She was dazzled by the transformation of his face from emptiness to joy. There were extra lines around his eyes and mouth that detracted nothing from its apollonian symmetry. He seemed all around bigger too. This she'd already noticed during her later visits to Spee, indicating that he made consistent use of the gym. The extra weight looked good on Jax.

Damned good.

But the moment came when Tara knew she'd been standing there unacknowledged too long. It was noticeable to anyone looking. And she could feel everyone looking. She was not a particularly sensitive woman except unfortunately when it came to this man. Embarrassment, longing and disappointment lay heavily on her chest. When Gemma moved in to hug Jax again while giving Tara an accusatory look, she'd had enough. After all she'd been through during the past year, Tara had zero tolerance for disrespect and bullshit no matter who was dishing it out.

Before she could take two steps away, Jax grabbed her arm. Her eyes flew to his and got caught in twin blue flames of feral emotion. The sight kept her speechlessly routed to the spot.

"Mom, take Abel." His voice was deeper and gravelly as if he hadn't spoken for a very long time.

Gemma cast a wry glance between them and took the squirming boy away from him. "There's food at your house and I called Neeta. She can keep him for two nights – if necessary." Then she promptly turned away. "Phil!"

Seemingly by magic Filthy Phil appeared out of nowhere, short of breath. "Yes, ma'am!"

"Go get Tara's purse. She's leaving."

"Yes, ma'am."

Tara bristled. Presumptuous woman! And why was this was the first time she was hearing about someone asking Neeta to watch Abel? It also bothered her that Gemma still had keys to the house that _she_ was paying bills for, and calling 'home,' and raising Jax's son in. It was practical in the beginning but not anymore. Tara couldn't figure out why she hadn't done anything about it before now. _Tomorrow s_ he was going to –

That and every other thought flew out of her head when Jax curled a hand around her neck and pulled her into a stormy kiss. It was clumsy and searching and desperate as if he was unsure of her. He paused only long enough to say her name roughly and tunnel his hands into her hair. Angling her head, he thoroughly plundered her mouth – demanding, consuming, taking as much as he could get.

"Jax!" Tara gasped, tugging her mouth to the side so that he would have to let her breathe. No matter. He sought to claim the rest of her. Whatever part of her he could taste to assuage his hunger would do just fine….

Tara held onto him, caught in the web of his sensual onslaught. The evidence that he was on the crazy edge of lust was like a weapon digging into her abdomen. They had to slow down before things got completely out of control right here, right now…. From what seemed like far away she heard hooting and shouting and ribald encouragement which seemed to be directed towards their locked bodies.

"Hm! Not a sight for the kiddies," Lyla said cheerfully, grinning as she took Abel from Gemma to rejoin the other children in the backyard.

" _Jax!"_ Gemma called out sharply. "Go on and take her home. These beer guzzling hyenas ain't going anywhere before you get back."

Clay squeezed her to his side with a look of amused exasperation. "We need him for Church," he said low in her ear.

She answered with a half-pitying huff. "Look at him. Baby, you're not having church today. Come on, you just got home. Give the Sons a break. Hell, give _me_ a break. I just got you back. It's time to celebrate."

"All I need is my ride, a beer and you."

"Uh-huh. Whatever's last on your wish list, you might not get, so I'd rethink your word order if I were you."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah, that's right. You'll just have to be content with the memory of those seven one-hour conjugal visits they let you have. You –" In a rare good mood, Clay suddenly started tickling her. "Clay! Stop, you crazy man!" Laughing, she ran from him as he chased her into the clubhouse and some of the guests followed them in.

Meanwhile Phil, feeling extremely uncomfortable, approached the engrossed couple tentatively and, clearing his throat, handed Tara her purse for which he received a whispered 'thank you.' As he ambled back to the clubhouse, Phil figured that after bearing the status of being Queen Gemma's patient bitch-boy as long as he had, he should be patched the hell in tonight!

Even though their foreheads were pressed together, Jax tugged on her free hand as if she were too far away.

"Come with me," he whispered huskily, a faint threat curled in the timbre of his voice. _"Now."_

Tara swallowed, nodding wordlessly, and after he gave her his helmet they mounted the bike. Tara blushed at how high her skirt rode up her thighs and how he was between her legs where she could feel the flex of muscle through his jeans. He put on his shades.

"Wish _I_ was ridin' both of them tonight, man! You trading?"

Jax slowly turned to look at the speaker. It was some fool he didn't recognize wearing a Samtaz kutte. It figured. He never liked the Arizona charter much.

When he moved to dismount and she felt the deadly violence emanating from him, Tara locked her arms around his waist. "Jackson! Take me home."

It was all she had to say.

The engine roared to life and the guttural hum vibrated through her. It excited her so much that she took several deep breaths to control herself. Jax stared at her in the side mirror, his expression hidden again, and then turned his head slightly towards her. His cheek touched her face and she brushed her lips across it. He kept himself very still. She didn't know that he was about to come out of his skin and dive right into her.

"You okay?" His voice cracked.

"Yes."

"Hold on tight."

He revved the engine and to dwindling cheers and catcalls, they flew away from the Teller-Morrow lot into the street. Tara looked over his shoulder at the neighborhood she knew so well, which now seemed brand new. Everything seemed brand new. She obeyed him, enjoying the wind whipping her hair, and his rock solid form, and his confidence – the way he rode a bike like he was born on it. She had missed a hundred and one things about Jax and being his 'back warmer' was honestly near the top of the list. She felt seventeen again, taking her first ride with him all those years ago. Young Jax had been so puffed up with pride when he got his first Dyna. And he tried not to appear _too_ excited when, after five freaking _months_ of him asking her, the elusive Tara Knowles had finally agreed to go for a ride with him.

When they arrived home, Tara slowly dismounted and handed him the helmet. She unlocked the door and he followed her in. This was it. Tara dropped the keys and purse on the dining room table and turned to face her fate. Jax took off the sunglasses and his kutte, carelessly tossing them towards the couch. The kutte balanced on the edge for a moment then fell to the floor.

Tara backed up as he stalked towards her. His white tee was taut like a second skin. Too small. It must have been the same one he was arrested in. She moved until her back touched the wall. Jax braced both hands on either side of her, leaning forward. Entranced, he bit his lower lip, studying her. He could finally touch her, as much as he wanted - his woman, his mate…

After several moments of enduring his penetrating stare a whimper escaped her lips.

"Tara," he rasped and pulled her to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he picked her up, carrying her into the bedroom. When he put her down they quickly began to strip, laughing as they tried not to break the kiss. When they were naked at last, Jax wasted no time falling backward onto the bed and pulling Tara on top of him.

" _Tara…"_ His hands moved all over her face, her arms, her back, her ass, squeezing its soft firmness. He groaned, fisting his hands in her hair, and opened his mouth on the underside of her chin. Jax scorched a lazy path downward, lifting her up easily to spend considerable time kissing her breasts, before meandering back to his starting point. Then he hugged her close, breathing in her scent, mindlessly sucking on her collarbone. Tara's breath was ragged. Eyes shining with unshed tears, she arched her body into his, wanting to get even closer.

Jax pulled her face close to his own, staring hotly into her eyes, her hair a dark curtain around them. "It's been so g*ddamn long." He kissed her lips hard. "Now you gotta give yourself up to me, babe…." He rolled her over and beneath him. Jax had dreamed of this moment to the point of madness. He buried his face in her neck, trembling.

Tara squeezed her eyes shut, tears escaping. "Shh." She stroked and kissed him. "I love you, Jax. It's over now, baby. I'm here – _always_ …"

"I need you, Tara. _I need you…"_

Never halting her kisses, Tara reached between them and gently placed his heavy length at her entrance. She wrapped her arms around his back and pulled her knees up and out. "Come home. Come in, Jackson…," she whispered throatily.

He raised himself up on his forearms to stare down at her and gingerly pushed through heaven's gate. She was so tight and slick that he couldn't hold back a heavy groan of satisfaction as he pressed in and out carefully, so that she could adjust to his invasion. Tara gasped softly when he was fully sheathed within her and Jax grit his teeth to gain control. They lay that way for a while, breathing like long-distance runners, until with tacit agreement they began to slowly move together and enter their own exclusive Wonderland. Jax could tell how broken he was inside because with each upward push of her generous hips she was putting him back together again. And he couldn't get enough of her sweet healing. He would _never_ get enough of her. Helplessly, he increased the tempo and when her name escaped his lips like a prayer for help, her arms tightened around him.

"Jax!"

Eyes wide, he drank in the sight of her laid out beneath him. "…so beautiful…so… _mine!"_

Their faces wore the agony of intense pleasure as their bodies chased the high, the headboard above them rhythmically striking the wall, urging them on.

"Oh g*d, Jax…!"

He was thrusting into her with such fierce grace that Tara could barely move except to ecstatically widen the V of her legs to accommodate him.

"Yeah, baby! Take me… _take me."_ And she did.

In the throes of mad passion, he pressed suckling kisses all over her arched neck as he hit her sweet spot over and over again with ruthless accuracy. Crying and begging, Tara frantically tried to keep up with him and he hissed crude words of adoration and encouragement in her ear. The slick sounds of their cleaving bodies made its own seductive music. Suddenly Tara's expression contorted and she screamed his name, mindlessly digging her nails into him. Jax barely stopped himself in time to possessively glare down at her as she broke apart in his arms – and then his eyes rolled back and with a joyous shout he tightened his grip as she took him over the cliff with her.

The bedroom echoed with the loud prolonged satisfaction of lovers. The headboard crazily stuttered and missed a few beats, the sound of which gave way finally to their gasping sighs and soft shaky laughter. They slid into serenity, weak and smiling. Lying on their sides they spent endless moments looking into each other's eyes and constantly touching until sleep stealthily covered them like a blanket.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Jax awakened with a start. For a split second he was back in his cell at Spee and coming out of a dream about Tara so intense that he could feel himself 'standing at attention.' He braced himself for the crush of bitter disappointment - and then suddenly remembered where he really was. His arm was around Tara and she was draped across his left side. Closing his eyes in relief, he pulled her even closer and she unconsciously shifted to accommodate him. _Cr*st,_ he had missed this! He loved it, loved the feel of her against him. She gave him peace like nothing else could. This was their usual embrace in bed from the very first time he claimed her for his own. Jax had just turned seventeen, finally catching up to Tara's two month seniority over him. She had shyly given herself to him as a birthday present and it was a gift he treasured above all others, second only to the life of his son. Tara had given him that too, saving Abel's life. And now here they were together again at last. A frisson of sensual bliss rippled across his skin and he directed a lopsided grin at his Sleeping Beauty. He mused over the soul-shredding passion they'd shared – and the fact that he needed to secure the headboard or remove it altogether if _that's_ how it was going to be. His need for her had increased even while they were making love and he knew he'd been demanding and a little wild in his quest to possess her.

Had he hurt her? God knew he'd done that enough in other ways.

Smoothing a hand over her skin in a gentle caress, he looked at her with loving concern. Jax had always prided himself on being an unselfish lover for the most part – even with the random women who were mainly fucking his kutte. This time he'd been so intent on drowning himself in Tara that his touch had bordered on roughness. He preferred to prolong her pleasure until she couldn't take anymore and to give her satisfaction multiple times, but they'd been so exhausted from that first explosive joining that they were as weak as infants during the aftermath. Well, he would make it up to her.

When Jax kissed Tara's forehead softly, her hand fluttered against him and she murmured her pleasure. He pulled the sheet up over them and something about the motion made him freeze and remember what _hadn't_ been covered. He blinked up at the ceiling. He hadn't used a condom and he had no idea if Tara was on anything. The possibility was strong that she wasn't because the Pill and any of its variations usually made her too sick to function. In other words, unless she had something inserted they might be pregnant right now. Sure, it was only one time but he knew from personal experience that's all it took. Abel was conceived during thirty seconds worth of his and Wendy's drunken fumbling in an alley beside a bar. The ink on their divorce papers was still drying and he hadn't touched her for an eon before or since. It was amazing that something so precious could come from something as sloppy and forgettable as that, and truth be told, he didn't warm up to the idea of Abel's existence until after he survived surgery. But in spite of the fact that certain things still needed to be settled between them, the thought of them making a baby excited and humbled him. What would it be like to have a baby girl who looked exactly like her? A little Tara Junior. He would go loopy with both joy _and_ worry for the rest of his life if he had a daughter. But here in the dark with the moonlight slanting over them, he embraced the idea, completely at peace. Their little family could be growing right now. And that's when he remembered the other thing he forgot.

 _Shit!_

Just at that moment Tara turned onto her back with a kittenish stretch and Jax carefully rolled out of bed, standing very still until she stopped moving. Then he stealthily picked up his clothes from the floor, all the while keeping a wistful eye on her. He missed touching her already. He crept out of the bedroom and downstairs into the living room where he dressed. He knew he should take a shower but he wanted to keep Tara's scent on him and of course he couldn't afford to wake her up now. Jax grinned, thinking that they could shower together when he got back – if the little talk they needed to have went well, that is. But there was no way he could go without leaving a note and she definitely had to see it as soon as she woke up. He wrote on the first thing he could find – a paper napkin that had seen better days. His mouth compressed in a rueful line as he scribbled his message on it. _Yeah, Teller, this is classy._ Then he quietly went back upstairs.

Certain he was going to fuck up, Jax performed a cartoon character's exaggerated tip-toe across the bedroom. Fortunately Tara's back was turned and he laid the note on the pillow beside her. He tried to prop the sad thing up a bit. Then he retraced his steps and silently breathed a sigh of relief when he reached the living room again. All of this wouldn't even be necessary if he'd kept his cool earlier, but from the first moment he kissed Tara everything else was wiped from his mind.

After checking for his keys the last thing he did was pick his kutte up off the floor. He hesitated, fingering it in his hands for a minute, before shrugging it on impatiently. Just as he turned towards the front door –

"Jax?" she called to him softly from the bedroom but loud enough that he heard her. He hung his head with his hand on the doorknob and then stepped away from it. He would never deliberately walk away from Tara again.

She reached the bottom of the stairway, looking perplexed and holding up the napkin. She was absolutely adorable with her rumpled hair and bare feet peeking out from the hem of her long white cotton robe.

He smiled at her. "'Mornin'." He went over and pulled her into his arms for a gentle kiss. She responded automatically but didn't hug him back.

"It's night-time."

Jax fingered her bangs away from her eyes. "Feels like a new day to me."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm sorry, babe. The last thing I want to do right now is leave you but there's something I need to get. I'll tell you what it's all about when I come back. And I _am_ coming right back."

Tara wanted to know now. She couldn't imagine what was so damn important after missing each other for over a year – and after the most intense lovemaking ever - that he had to sneak the hell out at night wearing that smackable smile on his face. It was then that she remembered Gemma's warning not to fuss with Jax about anything too soon after he got back. Tara stared him down and reluctantly conceded that it made sense to give him some leeway. Jax deserved it. And also she would learn from it. She could observe how he treated her without any argument or prompting from her. Let him show her who he had become after his time in prison. Her expression softened when she noticed signs of stress in his face. Jax sometimes covered up such feelings with flippant displays of his natural charm. Tara relaxed her posture.

"Okay. Just hurry back," she quipped casually.

Jax sighed and enfolded her in a bear hug and this time she didn't resist sliding her arms around him. "I know what you're thinking, Tara, but please trust me. I swear I'm not going to backpedal and hurt you again. I'm not the same fool I was when I went to Ireland."

"So what kind of fool are you now?" she muttered into his chest.

"Your kind, babe. Yours alone." Jax reverently took her face between his hands. "Do you know how much I love you?"

When she started to speak, he laid a finger across her lips. "It's alright because I'm coming back here and showing you how much. And you won't ever doubt it again. I promise." She looked so vulnerable that he almost changed his mind about going on his errand.

"I love you too." She held on to his waist, absently making circles there. "Go. But keep this in mind." She firmly smoothed a hand down the length of his crotch, making him jerk and swell in response. "I'm in need so you better make it quick, whatever it is, or else I'll have to _self-serve."_

Tenderness belied the smirk on his face as he pressed her hand against him even harder. "Nah, babe, don't do that – unless I'm here to pick up the slack. Don't waste it."

She raised an eyebrow and squeezed him through his jeans.

" _Fahh!..."_ , he exclaimed in surprise, hugging her again and playfully rocking her from side to side. His husky laugh made Tara want to pull him into her immediately. "You're breaking me, darlin'." He held her still to nibble at her neck and his control started to unravel. "What are your terms for surrender?" he muttered against her skin.

Tara smiled darkly and backed away. "If you want some real _anarchy_ , there's more where that came from – if you know how to get it."

"Shit." He snatched up his shades. "Don't wash, don't get dressed, don't do _anything."_

"We'll see."

Jax watched the teasing sway of her hips as she went back upstairs and out of sight.

 _Oh,_ hell _yeah!_

He practically ran out of the house, pre-pay in hand, thumbing in the number. He walked far enough away so that Tara wouldn't hear him talking below the window and paced impatiently until the line was answered.

" _~Yes?"_

"Mom, it's me. Where are you?"

" _~At the clubhouse, hon'. Where else? You on your way over?"_

"I forgot to get that thing from you. I'll pick you up and we'll go to the house."

" _~No need to do that. I have it here."_

Jax frowned. "Why do you have it with you instead of in the safe?"

" _~Because I'm_ here, _sweetheart,"_ she explained as if he were a little slow. _"And I figured you'd be coming here soon anyway, so why make you waste a trip?"_

His jaw tightened because he knew his mother well. "The ring is all I want, Mom. I'm not staying."

There was a pregnant pause. _"~Jax, there are a lot of people waiting to see you. Many of your brothers have traveled far to celebrate your return. Is it asking too much to give them just a little of your time?"_

"Everyone's there for the free food and booze and free tail. No one's thinking two shits about me."

" _~Why would you say that? Are you including me, your mother? Because I think about you_ _all the time. I haven't seen you in over six weeks, Jackson. Can't_ I _have some time with you? You've been with Tara all afternoon. Maybe she needs some rest and you can spend some time here with me and your brothers. Plus, Clay wants to have church."_

"No. And don't take it the wrong way. You know I love you. As for the rest – I care. I really do, but not right now."

" _~Excuse me? You're refusing to attend church and you're the VP. How would that look? Sweetheart, nothing's changed since you've been gone. Church is not optional."_

"Yeah well, _I've_ changed since I've been gone. I'll be there in ten minutes." He disconnected.

/

Clay looked expectantly at his wife. "Well?"

"I'm working on him."

Tig shook his head and gulped down the rest of his beer. He nudged away a drunk croweater. "You shouldn't have to _work_ on him. Where's his head at? He didn't say two fucking words from the time we were released until we got here. And then he just disappears with his old lady. He's the fucking VP of this club and for all we know six weeks in the box scrambled his brains to nothing _._ "

Clay frowned irritably. "Tig, you exaggerate the hell out of everything. He's been a little - reserved, that's all. Wouldn't you if you were him?"

"Yeah, we have time for him to be _reserved._ Sure we do! That's what I said."

Juice who had been following the entire scene to the best of his limited ability, because all those shots of tequila were finally kicking in, stared at Tig a little bug-eyed. "Tig!" he said a little too loudly.

The older man mimicked his tone. "What?!"

"That's not what you - ( _hic!)_ \- said, man."

"What isn't what I said?"

"What - ? You, um – Shit, man, I don't know what the hell I was gonna say!" Juice began to laugh. "But I think I need a beer."

Gemma rolled her eyes and looked at Clay. "Everybody's consuming large quantities of booze and pussy and you want to have church with these guys _tonight?_ Good luck with that. As for Jax, you might as well forget it. All he wants to do right now is Tara, so – ….Bobby? Can I get by? Get the hell up off the floor. What's the matter with you?"

From his prone position Bobby belched the longest loudest belch ever heard while making the most absurd face ever seen. Then he laughed like a mental patient with Tig and Juice following suit. Gemma gave them all a disgusted I-told-you-so look and stepped over Mount Bobby.

Clay shook his head, rubbing it wearily.

/

When Jax arrived at the Teller-Morrow lot it was around 10pm and the party was just beginning to get raw. All of the little kids were gone from the club house and the handful of single girls who weren't prepared to eat the crow stayed back in the kitchen area and the family room next to it with the few remaining old ladies and two or three teenagers. Members of the various charters milled around the yard, drinking and talking animatedly. Some were already off to the side, half in the shadows with a female, while others were preparing for a boxing match. Although Jax didn't make a grand entrance, the women noticed him immediately but he deftly avoided their lewd attempts to capture him. The Sons greeted him heartily and he shook hands and waved as he made his way to the clubhouse door.

From his position behind the bar Piney spotted him as soon as he crossed the threshold and Jax went directly over to him, sidestepping a fierce game of pool.

"Piney."

"Boy," the older man replied in that gruff way of his. They hugged each other briskly. "Thought for sure you wouldn't show up until sometime tomorrow. Where's the doc?"

"Waiting. So I'm not staying long. How you been, old man?"

"Breathin.'"

Jax grinned. "Don't ever change, Piney. Where's my mom?"

"Back in the kitchen."

"Alright." Jax patted him on the shoulder. "See ya later."

"If life lasts."

The kitchen looked like it was being used to feed the entire western half of the United States. There was food everywhere, on the stove, packed in the fridge, Saran-wrapped in plates and bowls all over the counters and the chairs. A busted bowl of spaghetti was smeared all over the floor where Gemma was on her knees. In the adjoining living room area, women were drinking and laughing and watching some inane reality show. Lyla, Gemma and Evangeline – who was a Charming librarian and Kozik's latest flame – were trying to make sense of all the mess.

"What the hell?"

Gemma looked up, pushing hair out of her face with a wrist. "Hey, baby." She sounded so tired.

"Mom, let me help." He bent down to join her but she pushed him back.

"No. It's okay. I got it. One of the boys was in here drunk and couldn't keep his balance."

"No, come on, Mom." Jax helped her up and with a long suffering glance Lyla took her place and Evangeline reluctantly joined her. "Whoever it was should've cleaned this shit up himself. You should've told Clay and Clay should've handled it. You're not the maid around here."

She studied him. "Aren't _you_ testy. It's no big deal. I've dealt with much worse during an SOA party. At least it's not blood."

Jax raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "Guess you're right," he murmured. "Hey, can we – ?" He gestured away from the room.

Gemma took her time wiping her hands. "Sure. Let's go to your old room."

"You mean no one's in there?"

"I don't let them use your room for humping. They can go in the garage or in the bushes for all I care. Did you see Clay?" she asked as he followed her into the room.

"I've _been_ seeing Clay. Now I'd like to see something else. Can I have it?"

Gemma pursed her lips and grudgingly pulled a small square object wrapped in plastic out of an inner pocket between her breasts and handed it to him. He didn't complain that she was doing all this housework and running around a bunch of disreputable bikers with something invaluable to him in an unzippered pocket. He held his tongue because he didn't feel like arguing about the obvious. Instead, he unwrapped the package and opened the little box to examine its contents.

Then he gave her one of his bright smiles and kissed her cheek. "Thanks, Mom."

She grabbed hold of his kutte. "Wait a minute." He looked down at her hand and then back up with an expression that made Gemma check herself with a wry smile and smooth the material flat again. "I mean – what's going on with you, baby?" She took a deep breath. "The club needs you, Jackson."

"I'm still wearing this, aren't I?"

"Yes. Yes, you are. Okay, go. Are you picking up Abel from Neeta's tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Alright, I'll see you later." But he hesitated in the doorway and turned to find that Gemma's eyes were downcast. "Hey." She looked up and he crossed the room to envelope her in a hug. "Can I spend some time with my mother tomorrow or is she too mad at me?"

"You know I'm looking forward to it, baby."

Jax hesitated a moment before crossing the main room full of reapers and scythes in motion to see if the coast was clear. But as it turned out, he was waylaid by Tig before he could walk out the clubhouse door. "My man. Where you going?"

"Home."

"You gotta stay. Clay wants to have church."

At this point Clay, Bobby, and Happy came over. _Great._

"How about tomorrow? I just got out of jail and I'm tired."

Clay smiled mirthlessly. "Well, join the club, son."

"I already have. That's why I was in jail. I'll see you brothers tomorrow. Peace."

He turned away and Clay put a hand on Tig to stop him from moving towards Jax. He shook his head firmly.

"Tig, let him go," he commanded quietly.

"What's the big deal?" Bobby said. "He's right. We just spent forever in Spee so what the hell we gotta talk about tonight that can't wait one more day?"

Tig stabbed a finger in his direction. "That ain't the point, Bobby! He's acting like a freakin' nomad and when he's the VP. That's a problem _._ We've all seen this happen before. Remember?"

Bobby's mouth dropped open. "You serious? There's food, drink and broads all over the place and you're worrying about Jax's _behavior_ like a couple of jilted schoolgirls. Leave him alone! Look at Chibs and Juice. See what they're doing? That's what we should be doing. Now if you'll excuse me, I see the woman of my wet dreams other there _._ _Sayonara_ , lads."

They could practically hear Tig's teeth grind together as he glared at Bobby's back. "The fat's gone to his head as usual! So I guess the Mayans and Russians and whoever else are gonna politely wait while we drink and screw. Don't y'all get it? _We are not secure._ And I'm not coming out of a year and a half bid just to get caught with my pants down the next g*ddamn day. I'm _not."_ He walked away, his stride tight with anger.

Happy finally spoke, his tone more ominous than usual, "There's more to it than that. Trouble's come to Anarchy paradise, brother."

Clay finished his can of beer and crumpled it in one hand, despite the arthritis. "You're too late with the warning. This trouble's been brewing for a long time."


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

After Jax put his Dyna to sleep, he just sat there for a moment feeling a nervous anticipation. This was serious: he was finally going to ask her! Still, he didn't know why he was _this_ nervous. It was always a part of the game plan. He might have denied it a long time ago but even as kids, once he'd gotten to know Tara Knowles more than just how she looked in a pair of shorts – once he'd had a genuine conversation with her that had nothing to do with trying to bed her – he knew, at first reluctantly, that she was the one for him. It scared the shit out of him that he'd met her so soon. He had a fantasy that his youth was going to be completely carefree, all about wearing the kutte and sleeping with women. That's _all_ he wanted then. After his father and little brother died, Jax didn't want to care about anything else. He loved his mother of course but that couldn't be helped. He didn't want to love anyone else who might fucking _die_ on him again. Who wanted to deal with that shit if they didn't have to? Of course one could ask why he'd want to be a Son at all since "1%" MC life was often precarious, but that couldn't be helped either. The SOA was in his DNA. He couldn't want another life if he tried. At least that's what he wholeheartedly believed before getting his hands on his father's journal.

Truth be told, Jax had been aware of Tara as early as 2nd grade. She was a solemn little girl, usually sporting a ponytail. Her dark eyes were weirdly intense for a kid, even before her mom died. He was all rough and tumble, rolling around in the dirt with Opie and the other boys, mostly oblivious to girls back then – although that changed _real_ soon. He caught Tara looking at him sometimes and she never averted her gaze. He liked it, even though he was always the first to look away. That changed soon too.

As sweet as the reminiscence of their pre-teen beginnings was, it didn't change the fact that right now, over twenty years later, he was stalling like a wuss at the door. He looked up at the ink black heavens as if making a plea and entered their home. It was the most natural way to think of it, as if they'd always been together and lived there. He knew then that this was going to turn out all right. It had to. Jax took the black velvet box from his pocket, took the ring out and then placed the box in an end table drawer. He flipped the ring in the air once and put it back into the same pocket. He didn't want her to see the bulge the box would create in his pants or see him reaching into a table drawer when he popped the question – as if he just carelessly left engagement rings lying around.

The house was silent. He thought of her snuggled in bed, sleeping soundly. He shrugged off his kutte and bounded up the stairs two at a time as quietly as he could and eased the bedroom door open. He came all the way to the foot of the bed and as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, illuminated minimally by a sliver of moonlight peeking through the blinds, he was perplexed to see that she wasn't there. Now the silence was deafening. Before disappointment turned into uneasiness, Tara slid her arms around his waist and hugged him from behind.

"Hello," she said cheerfully.

It was crazy just how happy he suddenly was. Jax twisted around to hold her. "So you want to play hide-and-seek." He gave her that slow knowing grin. "I got some other games for you, darlin'." He pressed his face into her neck, which was fast becoming one of his favorite places. A soft panting noise escaped Tara's lips.

"Is everything okay?"

"Now it is," he murmured.

"I know how it could be better. Why don't you – " Her bold touch had him rising to the occasion. " – show me how to play these 'other games'?"

Jax took a deep breath and pulled back reluctantly, bringing her hand up to his lips for a gallant kiss. There'd be a lifetime of sex. The proposal only happened once.

"Tara,… I, ah, want to talk to you – about something." Jax groaned inwardly, hoping he didn't mess this up by suddenly becoming an inarticulate dolt.

Tara held back a sigh, studying him in the dim light while her hands toyed with his shirt. She was burning up for him and he wanted to talk.She smoothed a hand over his jawline. Jax was tense; she could feel it. He was also excited and trying to hide it; she could hear it in his voice and smiled at him curiously.

"Well, I had something else besides talking in mind but I suppose it can wait."

In spite of his best intentions her sweet scent and closeness here in the dark were getting to him. She had on nothing but that thin cotton robe and the bed was right behind them. If he started thinking about certain nights he almost went crazy (or rather, crazier) when he turned over on his coarse pallet in Spee to reach for her but she wasn't there…

"Can we, ah, go downstairs?" He took her by the hand instead of waiting for a response. They almost made it to the living room couch when his pre-pay rang. _Shit._ He'd meant to turn the damned thing off. He just stood there, glaring impatiently.

"You might as well answer it."

"Sorry, babe ….What?" he said briskly into the receiver.

 _~ "Hey, brother. I missed you earlier. You alright?"_

Jax relaxed. It was Opie. "Hey, man. I just had to get something. Didn't plan on staying. You gonna be around tomorrow for church."

 _~ "Got nowhere else to go."_

Jax frowned. "Lyla and the kids?"

There was a brief silence. _~ "I don't know, man."_

"Opie, where are _your_ kids?"

 _~ "They're alright, they're home. I'll catch you up on things later. I'm just checking up on you."_

"I'm good. See you tomorrow." Jax smiled at Tara ruefully as he shut off the pre-pay and tossed it down. "Finally."

He took both of her hands in his, rubbing her knuckles with his thumbs. He seemed to suddenly find his sneakers fascinating. She tugged at him. "What's wrong, baby? Talk to me."

He was about to say something but paused awkwardly. His expression was boyishly uncertain at the moment. "G*d, I don't believe this," he muttered to himself. "Just…Let's sit down." He led her to the couch and then sat in a chair directly opposite.

"Uh-oh."

"What?"

"Something's wrong. What's going on?"

"No, it's all good. I promise." Jax hesitated, rubbing his hands together while trying to decide how to begin and realized there was no other way except to just start talking….

"I'm leaving the club, Tara."

She gaped at him. She wasn't expecting this and had almost stopped hoping for it. Yet the words had actually come out of his mouth.

"I've had a long time to think about what I wanted after I got out. I never thought I'd say this but – I don't want this life anymore. The club's changed and I've changed. I mean, I still care about what my father created but – it's not the same. And even if I wanted to change it back to what it was in the beginning or make it better, the truth is, for me it's over. I'm done."

"I – I thought the only way you could leave the club was in disgrace and that you'd have to ink over your patch or – have it removed by force." Tara didn't want him to suffer either option.

The worry on her face made him stand, bringing her up with him. Did she ever find out what they did to Kyle Hobart? Sure, she knew he'd killed men before in defense of club business and club honor and for revenge, but the penalty inflicted on Kyle was torture. That incident certainly didn't put him in a good light as a prospective husband. He felt compelled to get it out in the open. However, he wasn't going to mention the time he stood there while Clay mutilated that rapist. That was different.

"Tara, do you know what we did to Kyle Hobart, that ex-member who showed up a little while back, and why?

She nodded solemnly.

He rubbed her arms in reassurance. "No more of that, I promise. Nothing like that ever again. As for the other thing, there's another way. As with most club matters, it all comes down to a vote."

"Why does it seem like you're oversimplifying it?"

He sighed. "Look, it _is_ dishonorable to ask to leave the club, but I've given it my loyalty, my blood, my money and everything else for over 15 years. Hell, – I gave up _you and me_ for the Sons and I'll regret that 'til the day I die. But all this will be considered in my favor."

"What if they vote 'no,' Jax? What's the alternative?"

"I won't accept 'no' from the club."

His eyes were like ice. It was a look that reminded her of how ruthless he could be and how much the SOA would always be a part of him even if he was no longer a part of them. Regardless, she would accept all of him.

Jax sighed and pulled her close for a sweet kiss. He leaned his forehead against hers. "Don't worry. I know how to handle the club. It'll be alright." He pulled back a little.

"Okay, um,...as you know, I only have a GED and I'm only an okay mechanic. I mean, I could do the job full-time and not get myself fired, but I'm not exactly some kind of superstar with a carburetor and a wrench. And people want good references, y'know, and I don't know if I'll get any from Teller-Morrow, but I'll do whatever I have to do to support my family – " He took both of her hands in his again. " – and my family is you and Abel." He paused again, his eyes alight with hope and tenderness. "Tara, I've loved you since I was sixteen. No one else has come close, not Wendy, not anybody, ever. It's always been you. It will always be you. When you went away to college I should have gone with you and figured out –" He shrugged. " – all the rest later. That's clear as crystal to me now. And you've forgiven me for that and for all my other bullshit and the times I hurt you. You let me in your heart again. You've taken Abel as your own and the way he acts, he knows you are his mother. Let's begin the adoption process so that it's official." There was a hitch in Tara's sigh and her eyes filled with a moist sheen. He thought it was a good sign. "I am sorry that Wendy's in her grave but that kid is lucky to have you – and so am I." Jax took a deep breath and readjusted his hold on her. For several heartbeats he just stared at her with love. "I want to marry you, Tara. I want it more than _anything_ else." Tara exhaled audibly and he smiled. "I'll be faithful to you from now on, every day of my life, I swear. I want to move the hell away from here, raise a family with you, and be a regular Joe Citizen. Can I do that?" A joyous smile had spread across Tara's face but she still didn't say anything, just held his stare. "I gotta have you, babe. And I want The Man to record it in his books and in his database. I want some solemn words said and signed paperwork in our hands. I want everybody and God to know that we're….indissoluble. Forever. Tara Grace Knowles, will you be my wife?"

"Yes, I will," she said.

His smile almost cracked his face apart. _"Yeah?"_

"Yes!"

Jax whooped joyously and spun her around in his arms until she was breathless with laughter. He started to swoop in for the kind of kiss that would never end until her body was trembling again from the force of his lovemaking so she stopped him reluctantly.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself. Com'ere." His eyes were a molten blue and his hands were kneading her hips. She clearly didn't have much time.

"Jax, I just want to – put this out there. I'm pretty good at what I do – professionally – so I can probably get a job anywhere. I mean, we won't have to struggle – y'know, in the beginning."

His hands froze. "I won't live off you like some lowlife slacker."

Tara knew she had to tread carefully around his masculine pride. "Baby, that's not it." She moved in closer, massaging his chest, smoothing away the tension there. "I'm just saying that we don't have to wait to leave. That's all."

After several moments Jax's expression changed to grudging acceptance. He might be proud but he wouldn't let it make him stubborn to the point of stupidity. He'd done that a few times too many where she was concerned and he was done with it.

"So! You just proposed to me and I said yes. Now where are the rest of my hugs and kisses?"

"Well, that's what I was trying – _damn!"_

"What, did you change your mind already?"

He gathered her tightly in his arms. "Hell no. Never!" he whispered hotly, smiling against her lips. Jax only allowed enough space between them to pull the ring out of his pocket. "It's just – I almost forgot this again." Sheepishly he watched her reaction as he slid the ring on her finger.

"Oh!" She stared in awe, first at it then at him. "It's so beautiful, Jax. Thank you!"

Jax blinked a couple times, his grin tremulous. "No, thank _you,_ babe."

Tara hugged and kissed him then with all the strength in her arms and all the love in her heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**Note: This was supposed to be the last chapter, but ominously mimicking Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back, the story** **said to me, _"No, there is another..."_ What else could I do except nod my head and obey like a good padawan? In the meantime I hope y'all enjoy...**

...CHAPTER EIGHT.

They rolled around playfully in bed, kissing and caressing each other's nakedness in the moonlight streaming through the windows. Soon play became a more serious business and the heat could only be satisfied by joining completely. Jax lay on his back and Tara sat straddling him, rubbing his face, plunging her hands in his hair and then sliding back to smooth her palms over his pecs. He was utterly gorgeous, she was so in love, and all she wanted to do at that moment was ride him fast and hard until they reached ecstatic oblivion.

She leaned down and he curved his hand around her nape, capturing her mouth in another sweet kiss. When she sat upright again, he looked at her in wonder, sliding his hands up and down her thighs, caressing her waist, kneading her breasts. He pressed a thumb into her belly button. Sighing, Tara's head dropped back languorously and Jax's groin tightened even more if that were possible. He had to have her – now.

But when he fumbled for a condom in the bedside drawer, Tara pulled his hand away and mouthed the word 'No.'

"Babe, – are you on something?"

"No." She began to rub herself against his length and his eyes fluttered closed for an instant before he held her hips still.

"But we might, y'know, _get pregnant_ – if we aren't already. Because earlier we didn't –

"I know. It's okay."

Jax reached over, turned on the lamp and stared piercingly into her eyes.

"Do you want to have a baby now?"

She smiled down at him. "I'm very open to the idea. You?"

He began to caress her again with a tender smile. "I'd love it but – we're getting married, we're moving, I don't have another job yet and neither do you, so – I thought you'd want all the dust to settle first before – "

Tara shrugged, leaned forward and kissed him long and sensually. By the time she let him up for air, he looked dazed but happy.

"Jax, baby – there's always going to be something else going on in our lives. We could have had about three kids by now, if it weren't for – " She looked down, regret momentarily clouding her features.

"Hey," Jax said, concerned.

"When it comes to us, I just don't to wait anymore."

He studied her for a moment and closed his eyes briefly as he kissed her fingers. Jax grinned suddenly and rolled over so that Tara was beneath him, framing her face with his hands. "I love you. And I want to have more babies with you – as many as you want." And then he set about proving it repeatedly in such a way that had them both hoarse, exhausted and trembling throughout the night.

/

"So you came to tell me first," Opie intoned solemnly.

"Yeah."

He and Jax were sipping beers around two in the afternoon the next day on the steps in front of Opie's house.

"Well,…guess it's time for some changes. Tara's been holding it down for you, raising your son, dealing with Gemma, fixing up the brothers' scrapes." He looked down at the ground between his feet. "If you can give her something else before it's too late, do it."

"Yeah, that's the plan." Jax took a last swig from his can and set it down. He wondered if Opie was thinking about Donna and wanted to steer his friend away from that. "What about you? What's going on between you and Lyla?"

"Nothing." He sighed heavily. "She needs to quit her job."

"She still doing that?"

Opie stared out into the distance.

"Didn't you ever tell her how you felt about it?" Jax didn't know how Opie was able to deal with Lyla remaining in the porn industry. He personally would have lost his shit all over southern California if it were Tara.

"The money's alright."

"Not if it breaks up your marriage. And when it does, Lyla's going to be blindsided wondering what the hell went wrong because you never said anything. Look, you don't talk much, Op – never have and that's fine. But you can't clam up about this and expect her to read your mind."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know. But – I feel like she should've wanted to fucking quit after we became official."

"Yeah, she should have but for whatever reason, she didn't. Lyla's a nice girl but kinda naive. She doesn't mean to disrespect you. So if this is going to be the first time she's hearing from you about it, don't go at her like a mad bull. Just tell her and see what she says."

"Dude, I'm the calmest thing around here. You and Tig are the ones who go from zero to a buck ten."

Jax's eyes narrowed. "Don't compare me to that fucker."

Opie smirked at him.

"So if you're finished making _jokes…_ what are you gonna do about Lyla?"

"What you said, man. I'm not stupid."

Jax rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well – that's debatable."

"Shut up."

They sat in silence for a while, enjoying the breeze. Then Opie stood up. "I won't be at church today."

"What?"

"I'm tired of the bullshit. I want to spend time with my kids."

"I get that but this is one time I need you at church, Opie."

"No, you don't." The look on his face was hard. "You're leaving the club and I'm gonna be your best man. Piney'll tell me anything else I need to know."

"What are you talking about? If it comes down to a vote, _I'll need you there."_

Opie fell silent for a moment and shoved his hands in his pockets. "The son of John Teller who's also the current VP wants out. You know damn well they're gonna stall a vote." Opie stared down at Jax with an unreadable expression. "I've got your back, no matter what. You and me came before Samcro, brother."

/

The silence around the church table was palpable. Clay's face looked as if he'd eaten ten ripe lemons.

"What are you saying, son? I don't think I heard you right. Maybe I'm going deaf."

Tig's glare was like two hot lasers boring into Jax's face. "Nah, man, I heard the same thing. And I knew it. I fucking _knew_ he'd do something like this! I tried to tell you but nobody would listen…"

"Jackie Boy, what's going on?"

"My life is going on, Chibs, – a life I almost lost," Jax replied evenly. "Now I want to live it my way."

"Listen to this Hallmark Card bullshit!" cried Tig. "The _fuck,_ man?"

Clay held up a hand, impatiently. "Just – turn down the volume, will ya? As it turns out, I'm not deaf – yet. Jax, why don't you take some time up at the cabin – get your head straight. You've been through a lot of shit. We all have."

"I have a family and I'm going to do what's best for them. I don't want Tara or my son ending up like Luanne – or Lowell, Sr. _and_ Jr. Or a whole bunch of other fucking people. It's really as simple as that."

Juice looked crestfallen. "Jax, you – you brought me into _this_ family. It's because of you that I'm here. So what are you saying? You _sponsored_ me, man."

Jax smiled a little. "And I don't regret it. You're good for the club. But things change."

"No, not things, man," said Tig. _"People_ change, certain special _people_ you can't trust. They run scared when the shit hits the fan. Like now."

"If pretending I'm a coward makes you feel comfortable in your own skin, I got nothing to do with that. But here's the thing, I've put my life on the line for this club many times. I've been completely loyal to it, given up everything for it and _saved_ it – more than once – after one of _you_ went off half-cocked and landed us all in some everybody sitting at this table knows it _._ What I'm doing now, I've earned and it really isn't up for discussion. I'm bringing this to the table as a courtesy. _"_

Sitting back, Tig looked away, fuming. " _This_ guy, man. Shit."

"So how's this supposed to work?" snapped Clay. "You quit, abandon this club your father created, lose who you are, the only life you've ever known, and break your mother's heart. You're actually going to cover your ink, Jax?"

"No, I'm keeping my ink. This charter wouldn't exist right now without me. I _am_ the patch."

"You can't have it both ways."

"Are you really gonna try to buck me on this? It's time for this club to reciprocate something – to me."

Kozik rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I kinda see where you're coming from, Jax, but – what's the point of being a club if we don't have rules to follow, rules that set us apart?"

"Yeah, we have rules, Koz. But I notice we don't always follow them." Jax looked pointedly at Tig. "Do we, _brother?_ And the world keeps turning."

"Oh, you're talking about me not following rules? You think this club owes you something. Well, this club don't owe you shit! We're supposed to give up everything for it, _prince._ That's the fucking point."

"Enough!" barked Piney, slapping his hand on the table. "If the man wants out, he's _out -_ and he keeps his ink _and_ the patch. The lot of you would still be fighting off back door loverboys for the next thirteen years if it wasn't for him."

"We got rules," Happy said simply in his raspy voice.

Bobby shook his head and snorted derisively. "Yeah, but they didn't come from Moses on the g*ddamn mountain. We're an outlaw biker gang. We _break_ rules all the time and we _do_ owe Jax a helluva lot. So if he wants out, give it to him. We don't even need to vote on it."

They all stared at him. It was noticeable to everyone that Bobby had become more assertive during the last year and a half.

"Oh that's rich coming from you, Bobby."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean, Tig? You sure got a lot to say lately. Why are you such a whiny bitch? Did somebody catch you in the shower at Spee when no one was looking?"

"I'm gonna shut your mouth for you, you fat hebe!" Tig lunged across the table and Chibs restrained him with difficulty.

Clay angrily banged the gavel on the table. "Shut up, all of you! _Tig!"_

It took a minute for everyone to settle down before he continued. "Jax, clearly a decision can't be made on this right now."

Jax stood up. "A decision _has_ been made."

There was another furor when he stalked out of the church room. He felt conflicted even then. It was the conflict of being committed to a new life verses leaving an old one that had meant almost everything to him for as long as he could remember. Truthfully, he felt a little sick.

"Hey, Jacky," said Chibs, touching his arm as he managed to catch up with him outside. "No matter what happens I'm on your side."

"Thanks, man." Jax was grateful for the words but did they mean Chibs would go against the club for him? Chibs was the most righteous Son and one of the best men Jax ever met but he couldn't bet his family's safety on that.

Before they had a chance to say anything else, Gemma came barreling out of the Teller Morrow office. They saw Juice slink hurriedly away after exiting behind her. She came rushing over to Jax like an avenging goddess, chest heaving and hair flying everywhere.

"Jackson!"

"Er, I'll be leaving ya to it, lad." Chibs beat a hasty retreat.

Gemma wasted no time. "Tell me Juice is on some PCP shit!"

He didn't want to have it out with her right now but since it seemed he didn't have a choice, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one.

"The silent treatment isn't going to work, baby. You're going to tell me _something_. Juice said you're trying to leave the club – trying to _give up the patch!"_

He took a deep drag and exhaled. "Leaving the club, keeping the patch."

Gemma's eyes widened and turned obsidian black. "Now you _listen to me,_ Jackson. You need time to adjust to being out. That's all it is. I know a jail term is no picnic. Everyone knows that. And it's only a badge of honor if it's a sacrifice for the club - which _you_ made, baby. Take all the time you need. But make no mistake – Samcro is in your blood and it's not going anywhere. _And neither are you."_

"Why'd you join up with the Sons? Supposedly you fell in love with Dad and you were real young. I get that. But why are you so fierce about this shit? It's all gone down a hole, Mom. Can't you see that? Do you even remember what this club was like before the guns and the greed?"

Gemma pursed her lips. "Here you go. You sound just like your father did towards the end. Don't go down that same road and lose your grip like he did. Deal with the here and now. The legacy he left is still good, Jax."

He tossed the cig to the ground and mashed the tip. "I want a different legacy for my kids."

Her eyes narrowed. "Kids? You ain't had time to put a bun in that oven yet. Or did you manage to get a conjugal visit somehow?"

Jax just stared at her. _"_ Sometimes talking to you is like talking in circles, going nowhere. I'm done here." As he walked away he said, "By the way I'm getting married."

Temporarily speechless, Gemma stared at his retreating back, her fists clenched at her sides, and then hurried over and stood right in his path when he mounted his ride. "If you walk away from this family, you don't come back!"

He studied her for moment before revving the engine. The look of finality in his eyes made Gemma's heart thud with panic.

"So be it," he said and drove around her.

" _If you do this, you don't come back, Jackson! Do you hear me? You don't ever come back!"_

Gemma stood there long after the roar of the Dyna faded in the distance.


	9. Chapter 9

**Here is the last chapter of _Want Me_ \- FINALLY! Hope y'all like it. Happy New Year! **

**~~ZP**

Chapter Nine

Jax sat on the steps outside his home, taking time to think as he watched the early evening light fade. That sick feeling of loss hadn't left him yet and his mother screaming at him wasn't his favorite moment either. It didn't matter what the club decided because he had literally said goodbye. He was no longer an active Son of Anarchy.

It felt weird - and _right._

He stood up, stretched, and hesitated before entering the house. He looked down at his kutte. After slowly taking it off he felt bare in his white tee shirt. He fingered the leather in his hands for a few moments and then went inside.

"What did they say?" Tara asked as soon as he walked in the door. He carelessly tossed the kutte in a chair. She looked adorable and edible in that yellow sundress and, horn dog that he was, talking was the last thing he wanted to do. But that would have to wait because –

"Daddy!" screamed Abel. He jumped from the couch where Tara had been reading him a story and ran to his father, trying to tackle him.

Jax picked him up. "Hey, monster."

Abel giggled and half-heartedly tried to squirm away before putting his arms around Jax's neck.

Tara watched him expectantly.

"They said I wasn't thinking straight and needed some time. They said they'd vote on it. Didn't say when."

Tara bit her lip as she came near, her arms folded. "What does that mean for us?"

After releasing Abel who ran back to his toys on the floor Jax took her in his arms with a reassuring smile. "It means we're getting married, darlin'. Let's set the date." He leaned in to kiss her but she pulled back a little.

"Are you on the club's bad side – like Kyle Hobart?"

"Kiss me."

"Why do I get the feeling th – ?"

His mouth silenced hers for several long moments and then he said, "Tara, we're not putting our lives on hold waiting for the SOA's approval, and I don't give a damn about their bad side."

"You're downplaying this for my benefit, aren't you?"

"I know Samcro inside out. We're good. You gotta trust me, babe."

"I don't trust _them._ If we just go about our business and leave Charming, will they leave us alone?"

"I'll make sure that's not an issue."

"That sounds like we're taking a big chance."

Jax sighed. "I can't predict the future and I'm not living my life based on what the Sons _might_ do." He rubbed her shoulders soothingly. "The alternative is isn't gonna work – us staying here, staying in the club - or even just near the club - and being in danger every day for the rest of our lives. Clay is greedy with Tig barely on a leash at his side. He treats him more like the VP than me, always did. The two of them alone have poisoned the club and I'm not sure my mom is some innocent bystander. My father's legacy...is gone. We're done with the Sons of Anarchy, babe." He held her face between his hands. "Can you do this with me? Because I don't want you to do anything that will make you unhappy or feel unsafe – even if that includes being with me."

 _What the hell am I saying? I can't let her go now._

Tara wrapped her arms around his waist. "Don't talk crazy. I love you and I don't belong anywhere else. I just want our family to be safe."

"We will be, I swear. Believe in me, babe."

"I do." She surrendered with a sigh. "I do believe in you."

"Then let's buy you a dress and fill out some paperwork. You feel like taking my last name - as soon as possible?"

Tara smiled and whispered, "Yes, I do - as soon as possible."

They hugged each other until Abel began to make a lot of noise with his plastic 'choo-choo' trains and laughing, they joined him on the floor.

/

Four days had passed when Chibs knocked on Jax's door around 7pm.

"Hey, lad."

"Hey," Jax replied casually. He studied the other man's tired eyes for a moment before letting him in. He was glad that Tara and Abel had just left for Tara's dad's house to pick up some things. "Damn. What happened to you?" Chibs looked like he'd been in a fight.

"We had church twice since you left. Thought the last one would never freakin' end."

"Chibs, your face, man."

Chibs chuckled grimly. "Let's just say, for a while there we couldn't even agree to _disagree_. But forget that. Got some news for ya, _a charra."_

The two men sat at the dining room table. Chibs declined the offer of a drink.

"You're officially retired, laddie. You keep the ink, the kutte and the respect. You may or may not get invited to main events – parties, marriages, funerals and whatnot. That's up to whoever's president."

Jax clasped his hands in front of him and blew out a breath. "Unanimous decision for retirement? That's better than I expected. How'd that happen?"

"Magic. Our beloved little charter came close to imploding, especially when two visitors from Samtaz started, ah, _giving advice."_

"Why the hell was Samtaz allowed to sit in Samcro's church?"

"They weren't. Tig opened his big mouth before the second meeting and they started giving their two cents to everybody."

"F*ckin' Samtaz. I hate that charter, man.

"Yeah, they're special all right, always have been. Anyway, we all had a rumble – almost busted up the clubhouse - and then settled it in church."

" _Shit."_

"It's going to take a while for us to mend. Clay's given us a week off."

"A week off what?"

"Everything Samcro-related."

"That's new."

"He made that shyte up on the fly after things got crazy."

"Yeah, that _isn't_ new. Are Piney and Opie okay?"

"They're fine. I don't think I ever heard Opie talk so much since I been in this thing."

Jax had more questions but he didn't ask them. He had to put Samcro behind him. It wasn't his business anymore. He'd talk to Opie privately later.

"Lad, I wish you the best of everything. I'm glad for you, really glad. If you ever need me for anything, don't ever hesitate. You know how to reach me."

They clasped hands and hugged. "Thanks for always being true, Chibs. You're a good man."

"Shyte, boyo. Don't start me blubbering like a nanny."

"By the way, I'm getting married. Wanna come?"

/

 _Two weeks later…._

Jax was wearing a tux and his hair, which he'd let grow out of the buzz cut, was combed conservatively. On his wedding day he didn't want to look like what he was, an ex-con. It's not that he was going to keep this look but he wanted to be symbolically different at the start of his new life.

He checked himself nervously in the mirror and took a steadying breath. He adjusted his tie for the seventh time, almost ready to rip the shit off his neck. Jax turned to look out of a small window nearby and that's when he saw that monster of a car with the jagged symbol on the hood that he'd recognize anywhere. He stared blankly for a second and then swore under his breath. He ran out of the dressing room, noticing the door to Tara's room was still closed, and almost knocked down Reverend Stone at the bottom of the steps. Opie and Chibs, who had Abel on his lap, were sitting in a pew and looked up at the commotion.

"Whoa! Are you getting married, son, or running a race?"

Jax helped steady the older man. "Sorry, Rev. There's a situation I gotta take care of."

"Peacefully, I hope. Peacefully, please – "

As Jax turned away, Chibs stood in his path with an armful of wiggling boy.

"Dad-deeeee!"

"Hey, monster. I love you." Jax gave him a brief smile.

Abel waved with a toothy grin. "Luh you tooooo!"

"What's going on, Jacky?" Chibs asked, concerned, shifting Abel from one arm to the other.

"Yo, it's my freakin' mom."

"Gemma's outside?" Chibs looked at Opie who was shaking his head.

"I gotta handle this." Jax dashed down the aisle, out the church doors and stalked towards his mother sitting there in her gas guzzling ancient Buick.

"Hey!"

Gemma took a leisurely puff of her cigarette before eyeing him up and down. "Oh my g*d," she muttered with a rueful smirk before crushing the cig in the ashtray. "First Tara had it in a kung-fu grip. Now she's torn it off for a trophy. You look like a super white bread WASP, baby." She stepped out of the car.

Jax's mouth tightened. "What are you doing here?"

Gemma reared back dramatically. "My son is tying the knot - again. Where else would I be?"

"Get back in your car."

"Are you serious?"

"Last time we talked you made your feelings about me and my bride-to-be real clear and _you_ were serious. I'm not letting you indulge one of your vicious whims to try to ruin this day. Now get the hell back in that car."

Gemma sighed heavily and removed her sunglasses. "I am not here to ruin your day, Jackson. I am here to support you and her. Tara is about to become my daughter-in-law and I have a gift for you."

"What the hell is it?"

"Will you calm down? I could do without the belligerence, baby. Despite our, ah, _difference of opinion_ I am your mother - and I love you. Hurting Tara would hurt you and I would never hurt you on purpose, Jackson."

Jax just stared at her, wondering what he should do. She was saying the right things now – sort of - but he suspected this was simply another tack to get him back into the club. Ultimately, Samcro was the love of her life and it had pained Jax to come to the conclusion that the club meant more to her than his happiness or even Abel's safety. She might never admit that to herself but her whole life was a testimony to it. Still, maybe, just maybe, she _was_ putting love for him first – just for today.

"Wait here."

As he stalked back into the church, Opie intercepted him before he could bound up the steps.

"Hey. Gemma okay?"

"She better be," Jax said grimly.

Opie studied him for a moment. "You want me to take care of it?"

Jax looked at him, surprised.

"I don't mean it like that. But she can't mess up Tara's day."

"She won't." Jax pat Opie's shoulder on his way upstairs. "Just have the ring ready."

"When you give it to me, sure."

Jax whipped his head back. _"You - ?! "_

Opie's face widened with a rare grin.

" _Ass-hole."_

"Your mother."

/

Ten minutes later he returned to the Buick. "My lady is a generous and forgiving woman. If you turn that into a mistake today, I _will_ make you regret it and I'll be creative with the shit. You understand me?"

"Noted." She turned to get a beautifully wrapped present from under a blanket in the back seat. "And just to relieve your concerns I'll tell you what this is. It's a bike helmet for Tara – with that doctor symbol, y'know with the snakes, on both sides. Figured she'd be your back warmer more often now, so an extra helmet could come in handy." She tore open the some of the wrapping. "See? I come in peace."

Jax stared her down a moment longer and then left her to follow him or not.

/

Upstairs in a small dressing Tara paced slowly, nervous but happy. She and Jax had been through so much that she could hardly believe the day had come when she was going to marry him, in a church, with flowers and candles. She looked at her reflection in the large oval mirror. A bride wearing a veil and a white lace sheath dress stared back. She wished her mother could have been here to see this.

Actually, she wished Lily Knowles could have been with her all the years when she'd needed her. Whenever she thought of it, Tara felt the kind of loneliness that even in a room full of people couldn't stave off. As for her father…she wished as always that he hadn't given up on life and thus abandoned her. She remembered the kind of man he was before he started drinking to mask his grief, and she fantasized what it would've been like to have _that_ man walk her down the aisle today.

Tara was relieved by the knock on the door that brought her back to reality. She opened it to find a smiling Jax, looking very handsome in his tux, lounging against the doorjamb.

"Somebody said I could find the most beautiful woman in the world behind this door."

"She must have just left because I frown too much."

"I can take care of that." He pushed away from the door and took her in his arms, a soft light in his eyes. He could hardly believe his favorite dream was coming true. "If I loved you any more than I do right now, my heart would bust wide open – and splatter all over everything."

"Ewww. Now _that's_ a pretty image. Very romantic, Teller."

He laughed and held her quietly for a while, stroking her back. "Are you sure about having my mom here?"

Tara paused a beat and said with a straight face, "She's your mother, Jax. She should be here."

He stepped back. "Bullsh*t. My mom's a barracuda. Honest-to-g*d, I wouldn't have missed her if she didn't show up."

She gave him a look.

"I'm serious, babe. And I know you. You're just putting up a good front, but I promise you she's not gonna show her ass."

"Well, that's that then. Is Abel okay?"

"He's great. Running circles around some old bikers. So –" Jax took her in his arms again. " – how about we go do this so you can make an honest man out of me?"

She pressed her lips gently against his. "Finally."

/

It was a small sweet affair. Piney walked Tara down the aisle. In attendance were Da'Shell and Colleen, Tara's two favorite nurses, and Margaret Murphy; and Chibs, Piney, Opie, Lyla and Gemma who held Abel, staring wide-eyed at all the goings-on and his parents' funny clothes. Old Father Doolan, a retired priest and the reverend's older cousin, seemed to lose himself in the elaborate piano concerto he was playing.

Reverend Stone warned in hushed tones, "Joe, that's lovely but you're not in the orchestra." Father Doolan blinked and smiled without embarrassment but he did switch to the traditional wedding march.

Piney placed Tara's hand in Jax's and slapped him on the shoulder and Reverend Stone began the ceremony.

"Do you promise to love each other and be faithful to each other, never forsaking each other in times of calamity, through sorrows and joys, disappointments and successes in sickness and in health until death do you part?"

"I do," Jax drawled _._

"I do," Tara whispered, her voice catching.

Reverend Stone closed his book of prayer and said in a booming tone too loud for the little church, "I now pronounce you husband and wife!"

Jax whooped, _"Yeah!"_ and snatched up his new bride while everyone cheered. Laughing he spun her around in circles - obviously one of his favorite moves - and no one could get near them. When they finally stopped, Gemma was the first to grab Jax in a bear hug.

"Oh baby. My son got married – " She turned to Tara and everyone paused. She smiled the most genuine smile Tara had ever seen on the woman's face. " – to this true and honest ride or die woman, the love of his life." She hugged Tara, whispering, "He's still my only living child. Protect his heart." Then she kissed her on the cheek.

In the reception room there was mainly fried chicken and sparkling wine and a lopsided yellow cake made by the reverend's 90-year-old Aunt Sadie who suddenly came in wearing a faded blue calico church dress and a gummy grin. She weaved mirthfully from side to side, taping her cane. Tara smiled as the lady hugged her. She remembered seeing Aunt Sadie in passing as an adult patient at St. Thomas, suffering from acute indigestion – from eating too many sweets at her grandson's wedding.

After about an hour everyone left. There would be no huge raucous party at the club house. No one was waiting there to celebrate the Samcro prince's second wedding.

And that was just fine with Mr. and Mrs. Teller. They kissed Abel good-bye and he went home with Opie and Lyla. The newlyweds hastened back home in Tara's Cutlass to celebrate their wedding night alone.

Early the next day Tara and Jax took Abel and left Charming.

/

It was easy settling into Seattle, but Jax had never seen so much rainfall in this life having grown up in southern California. Interestingly enough it didn't take long for him to get used to it - used to _not_ living in Charming or attending "church." At first it felt damned strange going a couple weeks without wearing his kutte, which was balled up in a box down in the basement. But after a month he didn't notice at all. His new uniform was the gray overhauls of Parker McNamara's Complete Auto Care. His supervisor was a good man, the place was fairly clean for a mechanics' shop, and the money wasn't bad. Tara secured a position at a hospital called Seattle Grace, which had an affiliated daycare for Abel, and she would come home with tales about a crazy drama-prone group of surgeon interns that would make for an amusing night-time soap opera. Tara jokingly said she was toying with the idea of writing a TV script about them and selling it to Hollywood.

/

On one particular night about a month later Tara was waiting for him by the door in a red negligee and he grinned in appreciation, as he tossed his keys down on a table.

"Hey, what's this? I thought you were working 2nd shift today, babe."

She had a soft glow in her eyes. "I was." She took his hand and led him up the stairs to their bedroom. Jax didn't know what this was all about but he liked where it was heading so far!

She let go of him and lay down on the bed. "Take a shower and come here. I want to give you something you'll really like."

Tara was acting strangely, but she was making him so hot he didn't care at the moment.

"Don't you want to join me?" he asked in a voice an octave lower than usual.

"Later. Hurry, baby.

Jax had never showered so fast and almost fell and busted his ass trying to do as he was told.

When he came out naked and mostly dry, she was still in the same Victoria's secret pose, looking mischievous. "What took you so long?"

A cool night breeze blew through the window and Jax lay down next to her. His body was on fire but he was in the mood to take it slow. Take _her_ slow. He rose up on one elbow and caressed her face, feeling her cheek curve up into his palm with a smile. He smiled back.

"I love my wife so much."

Tara stretched languidly against him. "As you should."

He nuzzled her neck, but when he reached down between her legs, she buried her face in his chest and wrapped an arm around him, murmuring something.

"What?"

She moved back a little and gazed up at him. "I have something to tell you." She lay on her back, took his hand and placed it on her abdomen. "I have...something."

Jax stilled, his thumb the only thing moving, back and forth across her belly-button. "Are you telling me - ? _Babe, are you pregnant?"_

" _Yes."_

"Oh my god! When? I mean, when did you - ?"

"I confirmed it at the hospital today. Three sticks changed color yesterday but I didn't want to say anything until I was absolutely sure - "

" _Yeah!"_ Jax kissed her possessively and moved to kiss his unborn child too.

"Are you happy?" she asked between giggles.

"You kiddin'? I'm about to blow up with joy here! You're having my baby!"

"Well, Abel should have some siblings."

"Yeah, that kid needs someone else to boss around besides you and me. Boy or girl?"

She ran her fingers through his still damp hair. "Don't know yet, silly."

"No, I mean, what do you want?"

"Right now - _you."_ Tara touched him intimately.

Jax chuckled. "I heard pregnant moms were horny all the time."

"Think you can handle it?"

"I'll gladly die trying. Come 'ere…."

/

Dr. Addison Montgomery looked up from between Tara's legs with a satisfied smile as she gently felt the top of the baby's head about half an inch from daylight. "Dr. Teller, you're doing fine."

"Really?" Jax questioned anxiously. Tara had almost squeezed the shit out of his hand so he wasn't sure.

"At this...point you can...call me... _Taahhhh-haaah!"_

"Okay, Tara, he's right there! Push!"

Jax took a peek. "Oh my god…"

" _Push!"_

Tara strained and sweated and felt the incredible driving movement of life from her body...

"Aaaand...you have a healthy baby boy!"

Tara, exhausted and overwhelmed, clung to her husband.

Tears welled in Jax's eyes as he kneaded her hand reassuringly, staring as Dr. Montgomery cut the cord. "Angel, you did good. So good, babe."

Addison hesitated. "Wait a minute…"

Tara eyes widened and she cried out, squeezed Jax's hand again.

" _What the fuck is wrong?!"_

Dr. Karev, standing casually off to the side, smirked at Jax. "Dude, you gotta chill."

"Nothing's wrong, Mr. Teller. You're just having another baby," the tall doc said calmly, giving Karev a warning glance as she gently went to work.

" _You're shittin' me!"_

"I would never do that. Okay, you can do this, Tara. Everything looks good. Push for your little one. Push!"

"Ahhhhgggg!"

Within three minutes, another baby tumbled out. A girl.

In another minute both babies were resting on Tara's chest, with Jax making sure neither rolled off to the side. Tara closed her eyes briefly. "I had no idea…."

Dr. Addison straightened the sheet and blanket over Tara's legs. "It's rare but sometimes the second twin fools us…"

"How the hell is that even possible?" Jax whispered bewildered.

"There's a medical term for it and an involved explanation but we can talk about that later. The main thing is the babies are very healthy and we need to give you some time to bond with them. Congratulations!"

"Thank you - Addison," Tara said in a tired voice. "Could you ask Nurse Harper to bring in our son, Abel?"

"Of course." With that Addison ushered the four resident doctors out of the room.

Why they all needed to be there just to gape at a routine delivery - which admittedly wasn't so routine after all - Jax couldn't figure out. It seemed like these Seattle Grace residents just wandered all over the hospital whenever and wherever the hell they felt like as far as he could tell.

Tara gazed up at him. "Hey." After years of sadness she didn't think she could ever be this happy. "Twins! I can't believe it. Jax, what did you do?" she teased.

"Aw, babe." He kissed her. "It's you. You're amazing. Are you alright?"

"Never been better."

He looked down on his children and touched them reverently. _"Twins._ J*sus." He could hardly wrap his mind around this surprise. "What are we naming them?"

She considered it for a moment. "Do you want to stick with Thomas Adam for your brother and Lily Mariette for my mom, like we said?"

Jax smiled. "Yeah, if you want. Tommy and Lily. G*d! I love you, Tara.

"I love you, Jax – so much."

Olivia Harper came bustling in with a cheerful 'congrats' and deposited an excited Abel into his father's waiting arms.

"Oooo! Mommy got babies!"

Jax kissed him. "That's right. Say 'hi' to your little bro and little sis."

"Li'l bro, li'l sis…." Abel waved at his siblings who seemed to gurgle a response.

Suddenly they heard the sounds of Gemma and a few Sons of Anarchy storming down the hall and being halted by the snapped commands of Dr. Miranda Bailey. ( _~I don't care who you're here to see! You're in a hospital, not a wild west saloon, people!~)_

But for a few moments longer it was just the five of them, moments they would cherish forever among many more in the years ahead. Finally Jax and Tara were together as a family - and this family's happiness would always come first for them. Always.

 _ **The End**_

… _ **of the Beginning!**_


End file.
